Friday, October 21, 2011

Planning the unplannable

Ever heard people say "You can never plan for a baby, it doesn't work that way." "You just have to do it" I think to myself Ya that's a great idea! I will just all willy-nilly get pregnant with no plan, no money saved, and no mental preparation that my life is going to change forever...Great thinking...I will try that..and then "Just have to do it" when something comes up, like hmm what formula am I going to use? and how am i going to pay for it? guess I will decide when I am at the grocery picking up some bread...haha. I know this because my first pregnancy was not planned we had been married only a few months when I found out I was pregnant and only knew for two weeks before we miscarried. After that we decided we would use better protection and wait a while until we were ready to start planning for a family. 
   Now making this list or plan as I like to call it, is a little more tricky. As a women we play a game with ourselves, it's called the "We might jinx it" game. Everything good in life we want, we don't talk about because "We might jinx it"  (can you relate?) When we first started trying I wasn't able to really talk about it. Not really at all, I didn't feel like anyone but us needed to know. They didn't need to know that we were doing the BD often and tracking my cm & monthly visits & also because I didn't want to "jinx" anything, where is that stupid word from anyway? I will have to Google that later. 
So when it came to making our list or plan for a baby I was stuck! I am a planner...but I couldnt plan..I was stuck beyond stuck, I was fearful. If I saw a darling newborn outfit at the store I would leave it hanging right where it was in fear that if I bought that one single stupid outfit it would jinx me into never having a baby.. sounds crazy right? Well then a year later during the summer we found out on our family vacation that we were pregnant, with this one I knew, we did everything we were supposed to do the month before. & something in me told me to pack test in my suitcase instead of waiting until we got home.  The morning I was supposed to start and didn't I dug that test out of the bag ran to the bathroom and peed on it, and not even 30 seconds later...pregnant popped up on the digital stick..there was no "not" in front of it, I couldn't believe my eyes..was it broken? or was it really true? the rest of the vacation was fabulous, but on the way home I started to spot, we tried progesterone and laying down with feet up and no activity at all, but the second blood test reviled my levels were dropping and I was miscarrying again. That month was really hard and we decided we would stop trying for a few months and give ourselves time to heal from the emotional ride we had just been on. So you understand now when I say the planning that I thought we would always do, was easier said than done. {GOOD NEWS BELOW ▼}
For some reason with in the past 3 months that place I was stuck in has disappeared. The fearful jinxed place has simply disappeared. I am not sure if it is because I feel like we are truly 100 percent ready or if its because I have this feeling that something really good is coming our way and the excitement has taken over the fear...at least for now! 
LOOOONGGGG STORRYYY short,
We are planning away, like real planning not like what nights to do the BD and taking prenatal vitamins, and charting that's all a given. 
but planning like, building a baby budgeting spread sheet that's extremely detailed all the way up to the two year point & opening a "Baby W" savings account and cleaning out the piles of clothing of mine in the spare room just so that it's ready for when we conceive. 
I hope this doesn't all sound crazy! I have read some Crazy with a capital C stories on the internet of women and hysterical pregnancy's and things like that, but this is not even the slightest bit related. I just feel like the planning is turning into preparation and maybe the planning and preparation will help us while trying to conceive more than the keeping quite because of the fear of "jinxing". & you know what, even if for some awful reason we don't conceive it doesn't mean we wont be parents. If adoption is our only hope then we will do it and we will be the most amazingly prepared parents ever!!
 I would have never ever been able to say that 3 months ago! E.v.e.r. stupid jinxing fear! I am glad its gone!

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