Saturday, April 28, 2012

Stocking up...

I am stocking up...
Starting now, I am stocking up on luck, hope, strength, wisdom, and courage

A little over a month ago my Great Aunt Helen 
came to see me at work, she had a gift for me 
One that she had purchased in early January on her trip to Florida
she had held onto it waiting for the right time to give it to me 
after I was pregnant she said she still wanted me to have it
It is the gift of Kokopelli
& the story of him is adorable 
I am wearing this adorable charm daily in hopes 
that he will be my fertile luck :)
His image inscribed on a thousand rock faces
from east to the great western sea;
From Sonora's hot sun to the north glaciers bases,
proclaiming this loved tutelary.
Though powers possessed and methods employed
are often in open dispute;
One thing is agreed, the people did love
to hear Kokopelli's sweet flute.
This stick figure man, with a hump on his back
seemed always to cast a good feeling;
His magic perhaps, taken out of his pack
would comfort the sick and do healing.
Whatever his talents, they surely were grand,
a fact no one cares to refute,
As people would come from afar in the land,
to hear Kokopelli's sweet flute.
Kokopelli play for me,
So my heart may sing,
Magic flute of mystery,
Fruitful dreams you bring.
Song of Aztlan,
Fertile Fire,
Canyons of my mind,
Sacred union,
Heart to heart,
Speaks of the Divine.

Today, I watched on of my favorite movies
 Practical Magic
I ♥ the quote...
 "Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.”
 So tonight,
I planted Lavender
Planting Lavender for Luck
Keeping hope in my heart always 
The Strength to keep going
Having the wisdom to know which way to continue to go
The Courage to keep going


Wishing everyone a lovely weekend! 
I would like to say 
to my dear friend 
She recently got her BFP! 
If you don't already have the pleasure of 
knowing Maria or reading her blog
you should head over and give her a big 
& Please stop over and see
Crystal at The Redhead Files
send her some luck on her 3rd IUI
coming up in May!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I ♥ My RE!


We met with our new RE..Dr. B
He is absolutely fabulous! 
Since Scott is busy running the Art world my Mom came with me
Dr. B came out to get us himself from the waiting room! 
we followed him to his office and started at the beginning
2 hours later...
He decided we will be doing more labs 
another blood clotting test, and a chromosomal test
also a HSG test, where they inject the dye into your uterus and x-ray it 
moving through out your reproductive system. (umm yikes) 
Then we are going to pick up clomid where we left off at 150mg
only this time we will do the trigger shot..
 we are upping my Metformin dose to 1700mg a day
once we conceive we are adding 
Heparin injections, along with progesterone tablets
We really feel comfortable with this plan 
I love the office and the staff, and Dr. B is perfect for us! 
So in the words of Dr. B 
"Here We Go" 

  ( Right after 2 cycles of AF...)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

We are off to see a RE...

The Difference Between The Impossible And The Possible
Lies In The Impact of A Persons Determination. 

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment with Dr. H. 
Can I just say again how nice he is?! 
Scott had to work, so my mom came with me to the apt. 
Since my surgery I have not been able to prepare myself 
for the next step, for the questions that needed to be asked. 
My amazing mother did it for me! She researched 
and dug and wrote everything down that we needed answers to! 
My Wonderful Mother and her Notes :) 

We had to take pictures to document it. 
Dr. H comes in smiling I introduce him to my mom
they shake hands and he sits down. 
He asks me how I am holding up. 
Then says the test results came back normal. 
All of them. 
Then I let mom talk as she goes over our list of questions. 
My second pregnancy, after I called the Dr. he told me to start taking baby aspirin. 
this time. he did not. 
I should have been on it. 
Dr.H said if we were willing he would like to refer me to a RE 
Dr. B
Before Dr. H left the room he stood in front of me took my hands in his 
bowed his head and prayed aloud, Chills covered our bodies 
as he spoke to god. When he was finished he said Amen, and wiped his eyes. 
I feel so blessed to have him in our journey, he is a wonderful, caring man
one of the best doctors I have ever had. 
So now we are set to see the RE in May. Hopefully he can 
fix this problem with some heprin shots or maybe just the baby aspirin will do. 
We will have to wait and see. But I feel good moving forward to him. 
Nervous, but good. 
After we got in the car Mom googled Dr. B and found his 
profile to be AMAZING! 
He is an OBGYN a RE and he has clinical expertise in Infertility treatment, recurrent pregnancy loss, polycystic ovary syndrome and reproductive surgery!!!! 
Oh and he is rated top 5 in the state! 
I am so relieved that we are going to see him!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Smile More

 Lots of pics below, if you are not in the mood to read! :) 

Lately. It feels like every other day is a good day. 
It's hard to keep my strong face all day long, and sometimes when I get home 
breaking down is what feels right. It doesn't last long at all, a short cry 
and a little relaxing break on my comfy couch usually does the trick. 
I feel like I am doing good though. I am always reminding myself to smile more! 
 I can talk about it more now,you know with out crying. 
(sometimes) depending on who I am talking to. 
Most everyone is afraid to say anything so they just avoid the topic all together, 
which is fine with me, if I want to talk about it I will bring it up. 
I had cocktails with a good friend last night and after about an hour she said 
"okay, I'm just gonna say it, How are you doing?" 
I told her how I was feeling and what all has been on my mind, and it was 
nice to talk it out, some of the things that I have been thinking but never said. 
Another friend sent me a lovely email, she also lost her baby at 12 weeks, 
she attends a support group once a month and invited Scott and I to go with her. 
I feel like I wanna go and see what it's like. After 3 losses you start to question yourself 
and your body A LOT more than ever before. The next meeting is in 3 weeks, so we have 
a little time to decide if we want to attend. 

I have my check up tomorrow to make sure the infection has passed, 
and to get the results of the testing. I am nervous. But hopeful.
We decided we are not giving up, its not like us to give up. 
We  know in our hearts that we will one day soon be parents to a living breathing child 
that we can hold in our arms. ♥

Always remember to Keep Faith, Keep moving forward, Keep smiling, 
& Keep your thoughts positive :)

Now onto the random pictures of the weekend! :P

One Pink Ray, Shooting up from the setting sun! 

Mmmm a Bloomin Onion from Outback :)

I like to capture days when I smile :D

Just a pretty building :)

Shannon's getting Married! Me Shannon and Elizabeth as her bridal shower!                  

This is Shannon :)

Couch date :)
Adorable Miss Mia ♥

Mexican Night :) that big drink is my long island! It's been a while since I have had one of those bad boys! Whew what fun!
I love holes in the clouds it reminds me of the country song "holes in the floor of heaven"
I was shopping this weekend, when walking past the JR. section this caught my eye!                                seriously...SERIOUSLY?!? and people wonder why so many teenagers think its "cool" to get pregnant! 

My mom made this using the flowers we received from family and friends as the background for her inspiring words

Friday, April 13, 2012

Liebster Award :)

My dear friend over at A Mommy In the Making 
has nominated me for the Liebster award!
Thank You So Much! You Made My Day!
If you haven't yet check her blog out! Its Fabulous!

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers

I am so thrilled that this is my second time to receive this award! 
This is a fun award! it just lifts my spirits!
Make sure you check out the girls I nominated they have some fantastic blogs! 

Random Fun Facts about me..
1. I want to be a cop when I grow up :) every time I see one I get instantly jealous!
2. I cuss a lot IRL... Not proud but its totally true..
3. I love to hunt for rocks! any kind all kinds my favorite is naturally polished shale :)
4. I have awful road rage.. 
5. I remember almost all my dreams..This one is a double edge sword! 

The Ladies I would like to pass this award on to are....

Crystal at The Redhead Files 

SO, You've been nominated!? Here's what to do!
Each Nominee Should:
• Choose five up and coming blogs to give the Liebster award to. 
Blogs must have less than 200 followers.
• Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them
& post the award on your blog
• List the bloggers you gave the award to with links to their sites. Leave a comment
on their blogs to let them know they have received the award. 
• Share five random facts about yourself!

Enjoy :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Capture The Moment

I titled this post Capture The Moment 
I decided I wanted to document the fun we are having in our life at this moment. 
I want to look back and see that we did grieve but we also picked ourselves up 
and got back out there. We didn't hide inside under the covers..
even though the thought crossed my mind many times. 
On our journey to becoming parents my mom would always say
its like we are in a car traveling to our destination 
(the baby being the destination) 
and along the way we would have curves (not big enough follies) 
and twists (no ovulation)
and crazy turns (4 mature follicles) 
but when we finally conceived our car suddenly seemed to be on 
a straight highway with no twists or turns, a straight shot
that ended at our destination 
(with a baby in our arms) 
that straight road had a big cliff we didn't see..

It feels as though we were picked up like a monopoly piece and put back at the 
beginning of the road
with a new car, traveling right back down that curvy road,
just hoping and praying we find our way to that final destination. 

I have an appointment next Monday to check the status of my infection
*fingers crossed it's gone!* 
& to get the results of the genetic testing, along with my lab results 
at that time we will also talk about our options,
whether we will go back on clomid or not
whether we move on to IUI..
It's to much to think about at this moment, and we need to know 
the result of everything tested before we even begin to decided which road to follow. 

Here are just a few of the moments captured over the weekend :) 
My Love got me a beautiful necklace this week, just to lift my spirit, I love him.
& flowers from friends and family showing sympathy for our loss
the pink roses on the left are from my dear Oma they have a tall angel in the center of them
that we are going to place by the tree we are planting for Baby W

After Easter Lunch we went to the park with some good friends
Pic 1: Me resting on a log :) Pic 2: The love of my life
Pic 3: Scott on the rock Pic 4: Boys will be boys...Scott climbing the tree.

Easter at the Park continued..
Pic 1: The boys found something! Pic 2: Its an empty turtle shell!
Pic 3: A pretty flower for Shannon's hair! Pic 4: Justin in the tree
Pic 5: Justin and Shannon turtle watching!

Easter Sunday :) Me and my Momma :) & Bud Light Platinum..not to bad if you like light beer.
Saturday Night we had a few friends over for a bonfire
Justin roasted the perfect Marshmallows 

Ummm..Shannon is the winner for bringing the best hot dogs in the world!!!
The boys hanging out! Scott making cheesesteak meat over the fire!
Justin and his torch 

Everything will be okay in the end.
if it's not's not the end. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

100th post with a lot to say

Thank you to everyone that commented on my last post, 
your words about my strength and courage
 have given me even more strength and courage! 
I don't think I would be healing so fast with out all of this amazing support! 
it is so much appreciated! Please know that I am still following all of your journeys, 
I am just not to the point of commenting, but I am there! I am reading and praying 
for all of you! Thank you for praying and thinking of us!

Yesterday had it's highs and lows..

Yesterday morning, I woke up in worse pain then the day before. 
I phoned my OB office to see if they could call me in something for the pain
with about 100 calls back and forth they finally decided I needed to come in. 
I shouldn't have been in as much pain as I was and they needed to check things out. 
As I pulled in the parking garage, the flood of Monday morning poured in. 
walking down the hall way to the office, I thought to myself what a 
blur Monday was, that morning I had to come up to the office
 to sign the surgery consent form
I remember how I could barley see through blurry tear filled eyes 
as my husband led me in...memories I would rather not remember. 
Anyways As soon as I signed in, I was called back. 
Dr. H did my surgery not Dr. W so that is who I was following up with, 
I really like him, a lot. Before my surgery he came to my bed side and held my hand 
as I cried, he wiped my tears and told me not to worry, that everything would be okay. 
Once in the exam room, I sat there for what seemed like an hour, Until the door 
finally opened and Dr. H walked in. He tapped my knee and said 
how are you holding up lady?
I explained what was going on as he explained how he thought maybe I had an infection. 
one quick peek and he confirmed the infection in my endometria lining. 
A prescription was written, but I was not yet on my way. 
He explained how he would like to get some blood work to look for some common causes
of recurring miscarriages. & that as soon as the results from the genetic testing came 
back he would call me himself with the results. He really helped to reassure me that 
we would find answers and that I will one day have a successful pregnancy. 

With all that being said, everyday I feel more alive again. 
I feel like everything is going to be okay. 
Scott and I have been at my parents all week, My mom and I spend each day together
and I must say I know 
I would have never survived this week with out her.
Last Nights Sunset.

Yesterday, I smiled. I even laughed! 

My mom sent me to the hair dresser in the morning then to get a spray tan in the afternoon. 
& after my appointment we bought shoes. 

I have to tell everyone about these shoes...
If you have a pinterest I am sure you have seen the picture of the 
tiffany blue pumps!? 

Well I decided yesterday I had to have them! 
but they were no where to be found online or in the store! 
So we decided to pick up some white pumps some acrylic paint and a few 
sponge brushes! a few hours later...WALAAA! 
Tiffany Blue Shoes! 

 I will get some more pictures of these after they are completely dry and sprayed 
with the matte finish!

Painting shoes is easy, fun and inexpensive! 
I may just have to paint a few more pairs to add to my new collection!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

One foot in front of the other...

I just keep reminding myself to put on foot in front of the other, 
to keep moving forward & to not let myself drown in sorrow. 

Before I begin I just want to say 
Thank You from the bottom of my heart for all of your 
loving comments, left on my post about our third angel. 
Each comment I received took a little bit of the pain away. 
The support is amazing and I thank you all for being their for us! 

Each day I wake up, I have to remind myself this is not just a bad 
dream, it is reality, a hard truth that we never wanted to face. 
I could go on for hours about how unfair it is 
and about how mad I am at god, how unsure I am if god really does exist. 
and questioning what I could have done to prevent this awful mess. 
But the facts are, 
life is not fair. God does exist and he has a plan even if I hate it and don't understand it
there is a reason. & their is nothing I or anyone could have done to have 
prevented this from happening. 

I am not sure where we will go from here, 
Part of me thinks, go for it, try again as soon as you can, don't let anyone down. 
and the other part of me says, you cant do this again... 
the pain is unbearable and I can't fathom going through another loss. 
another pregnancy where all I do is worry. 
I will never have a worry free pregnancy,
 they will always be filled with the fear of loss. 

For now we are trying our best to cope with what life has handed to us, 
and keep ourselves moving forward. 

Thank You again for all of your kind words, they really do help! 

Piece of my Heart
How was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories,

Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,

I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,

No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,

That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those twelve weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds

Monday, April 2, 2012

Another Angel in Heaven

12 weeks 1 day we said goodbye to baby W, I went in to the emergency room on Sunday afternoon with very very little spotting after a failed attempt to find the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler and with the external ultrasound an internal ultrasound was ordered. It was then we discovered that baby w had stopped growing right after my 8 week 6 day ultrasound there was no heartbeat it was one of the worst things expecting parents have to hear. Soon after the decision was made to have a D&C. We were sent home and returned early Monday morning. The procedure went well, they will be doing testing to hopefully give us some answers on what went wrong. We are now at home recovering and grieving. I wouldn't change anything about the way we celebrated this baby and prepared early for this baby. I am so heartbroken that this had to happen I am trying to tell myself over and over that there was something not developing right with the baby and that it happened for a reason, but that doesn't make the pain any easier. I won't be returning to work for a while and I may take a break for blogging while we heal. Please pray for not only our healing, but the healing of our loved ones that this has also affected. I wish everyone the best and will continue to pray for all of you who's journeys I follow.