Monday, December 29, 2014

Last week in Pictures :)

His smile. 

Our Nieces with Santa :)

Teaching the girls how to "selfie"

These girls! Melt my heart!

Selfie :)

Santa and Harper


My soul mate. 

I choose you.

Twinning with Momma :)

Where's Santa?

Christmas Morning using my new selfie stick!

Christmas morning still a family of 2..Maybe next year. 

Where is the Magic?

My Aunt said something to me a week ago that 
I will never forget
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. 
she said 
"Nothing seems Magical when you grow up" 
It's kind of true. 
The magic of Christmas as a kid was 
well, magic! 
It was the most wonderful time 
of the year for many reasons. 
It still is. But the magic is gone. 
I believe that when we have children 
we will see the magic of the holidays through
there eyes, but for now it's just another holiday. 
(Although I will say my parents do an 
awesome job at playing Santa and spoiling 
the shit out of Scott and I :) )

Our last cycle failed. 
I'm not surprised. 
I messed up my clomid and I don't 
think I even ovulated. 
My opk was positive but I had 
no other symptoms. 

I feel a little lost in the journey right now. 
There are many options. 
I know that. 
But not one that I can put all of my 
faith, hope and trust into. 
IVF was on the table 
and then we got pregnant. 
and then we lost the baby and I was reminded 
how quickly things can change.
I can't help but shake the feeling that 
IVF will work, but I won't be able to keep 
the pregnancy.
and why waste all that time, effort, 
emotion and money into something that isn't 
100% guaranteed. 
Then there's surrogacy. 
again not 100% that any of it will work. 
 More time, way more emotion, and a lot more money. 
with no guarantee of a healthy breathing baby
 at the end of it all. 
Then we have adoption. 
We have actually been talking a lot more about 
adoption lately. 
but it still makes me uneasy. 
There are so many what if's 
so many unknowns.
A lot of questioning myself.
In the end all the wishing 
and hoping and praying to just 
have a natural cycle and a normal pregnancy 
isn't going to just magically appear. 
I know I have to do something. 
I just don't know when, or what or how. 
I think when I know I will know. 
So for now this is where we are, 
still discussing our options. 
Still battling our fears. 
Still praying. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Hacking Nutcracker

Over the weekend us grand daughters and Aunts 
took my Oma to see the Nutcracker! 
It's a Christmas time tradition. 
Every year when we were little 
my Opa would take us grand kids to the 
Nutcracker Ballet in Cincinnati. 
It was one of the best parts of Christmas time. 
Everything was so magical. 
This year I noticed 
that when you get older things get less magical. 
until you have a child, and can then see 
the magic through their eyes. 
I really can't wait for that!

So I figured I needed to write out a few 
statements on common curtsy when 
attending a Ballet

1. If you are sick... Please stay home. 
Sell your ticket on ebay, gift it to a friend, hell give it to 
the lady working the drive thru line at McDonald's for all I 
care just please don't come to an arena filled with 
3000 plus people and spread your germs!!!

2. If you are sick with a hacking cough
 and you do decide to 
drag yourself into public,
pack a bag of cough drops for petes sake!

3. If you are 30 minutes into the show 
and you realize that you can't go 5 minutes 
with out hacking all over the person in front of you
kindly excuse yourself to the lobby. 

4. Why do we have to clap every time 
Mr. Ballerina lifts Mrs. Ballerina in the air. 
She clearly weights maybe 90lbs 
and he clearly has the muscle of an ox. 
You are ruining the end of the music with 
your loud clapping. Just wait until the end 
of the song! 

5.  To the person who always has to have 
the last clap. 
You're annoying. 

Over all it was a beautiful performance.
I sanitized my hands about 235097 times. 
and made sure to chug some orange juice 
as soon as I got home. 

Next year I'm wearing a mask. 

Friday, December 19, 2014


Cycle 12...
Merry Freakin Christmas 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


I just ate about 12 pickles...
I'm a little sick to my stomach right now
But their like pringles! once you pop you can't stop!

Friday, December 12, 2014

What Cycle Am I On?

Someone asked me today 
what number cycle we are on...
All I could do was stare back at them 
with a blank expression. 
I. have. no. clue. 
You see after so many years 
and so many cycles your mind goes foggy. 
I think every time a cycle works I 
instantly loose count 
but then the pregnancy ends 
and I am thrown back in the sea of 
what seems like endless cycles. 
some of them lasting 90 days 
some only 20. 
It's like being picked up by 
a tornado and then being slammed back 
down in a very unfamiliar place. 

With a little digging through my blog
I've come to the conclusion that we 
are currently in the 2ww of cycle.. 

That's a big number. 
I hope it doesn't get any bigger. 

Today is 8dpo 
and Ovia says I have 6 more days 
until I can test!
Exactly 1 week before Christmas 
we will know the fate of cycle 12

Dear Santa, 
Please bring me a BFP followed by 
an uneventful, yet joyful pregnancy 
followed by the safe delivery 
of our healthy rainbow baby!! 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Facebook Vs. Instagram

It's been 3 whole weeks since I said 
sayonara to the ole FB.. 
I remember when I joined back in like 08
My dad had joined and had 
convinced me to give it a shot. 
Back in the day I had a Myspace. 
But that fell off for me the year I went 
to AI for college. I just wasn't into it anymore. 
Facebook was a whole new world 
pictures and posts and birthday reminders. 
It was a fun social outlet 
to help keep up with friends 
and family that you didn't see often enough. 
But as social media began to grow 
so did the drama and the controversy
over everything. . . 
people began using Facebook as a 
clothing line for their dirty laundry. 
It's like nothing was private anymore
Modesty in people had dissipated. 
the ugly world was spreading 
its hate all over one website.   
There are a few reasons I decided 
to leave FB. 
One being the controversy.
certain topics get me fired up. 
and to me voicing my view wont 
do anything but fuel peoples fire. 
It's strange to me how 
a human can find themselves so safe 
behind the keys of a computer. 
A false account created
to protect their identity
but also to let them say hurtful 
and judgmental things to people 
they may or may not have ever met. 
People are mean. 
and social platforms like FB
are the ones that keep them going. 
I mean its all about the money right?
and to get the money you need drama. 
The second reason I left was 
the slue of pregnancy posts I was 
seeing. Not necessarily just announcements 
but people who rely fully on government aid 
talking about adding to their family that they 
already struggle to take care of. 
In my opinion just to receive a little more money. 
It's sickening. 
It infuriates me. 
& I was tired of 
leaving that site everyday with so much hate 
in my bones. So much anxity over 
stupid shit that I have no control over. 
Then I started thinking about how much 
of my day was spent scrolling, 
If I was a lunch I'd scroll, bored? scroll. 
trying to fall asleep scroll. 
It was just stupid to me how much 
time was wasted on something 
that never made me happy. 
So I did it. 
I deleted Facebook. 
and I am happier than I've ever been. 
I find myself reading more current events. 
and paying attention more, you know to the real world. 
shit that is going on right here right now. 
Now Instagram is a different story.
I am a picture person. 
I have always been. 
In my spare time I love to do photography.
Intsta is the perfect spot for photo lovers. 
It's a place I can share my passions. 
it's limited on words and drama 
and I can follow who I want 
and not be forced to see what Sally's brothers sisters 
nephews aunts cousin Sam posted 3 days ago about 
the fight they had with Fred. 
I hated that shit. 
worst part of Facebook 
besides the lack of privacy was 
seeing shit you just didn't want to see. 
So Instagram is where I am 
it's where I'll stay. 
If you'd like to follow along 
you can find me here :)
I am private so if you send me a request 
and I don't accept it send me an email
and I will get you added :) 

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Donuts? or Doughnuts?

What is it with those rings of sugary goodness?!
as of late I am addicted to Pink donuts...
Not a good addiction my friends. 
Not good at all. 
Is it doughnut or donuts?! 
I feel like I've struggled with this 
all my life (all my English teacher out there 
help a sister out!) 
I'm just going to go with donuts 
because if you separate the letters it 
really says Do Nuts.. 
so lets Do Nuts
It's really quite bizarre actually
I have been a salt person 
since I was a toddler. 
Put a snickers or a hard pretzel 
with mustard in front of me 
I'm going for the pretzel. 
But I'm thinking now if you 
put a pink donut and a pretzel with mustard
in front of me I would probably 
tackle you for the pink doughnut and 
then hold you at fork point demanding 
the location of the box of remaining donuts..
I wonder if they put coke in them?
or some kind of addictive additive?
Dinner of champions 

So a few nights ago I am taking a picture 
with Scott's phone and I see the 
most amazing picture ever 
of a box of donuts..
Voodoo donuts to be exact!
never in my life have I heard of 
these sinful little suckers 
until that moment.. 
and now its all I hear, read and see! 
Voodoo donuts are taking over america
one doughnut junkie at a time!
Yes please 
I really wish blogger had emojies..
anyways back to the voodoo goodness
I've yet to try them but I am 
assuming they will be worth the wait!! 

Until next time!
Doughnut cheers! 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Let The Pictures Do The Talking

Just because he is hot.. and I can't remember what we
did that day haha! 
My favorite shirt from Nordstrom Rack..
Because...I want you to Take Me Somewhere Beautiful

Michelle Jenn and I at Elsa's 

My Dad & I at the 1st UD game of the season!

Jenn and I at elsas because who doesn't take 2105230 selfies
after drinking Margaritas 
Let's Celebrate Jenn's Birthday at Sima Sushi House
and the Java Cafe Hooka Bar

Thanksgiving 2014 Dad does the best photobombing

Max well enjoying his 2nd salted carmel cupcake 


Jillian taking pictures of Mom and I taking Selfies 

1 Dog, 3 Cats, a Ninja, a Pirate, a Pilot and a Gangster

 I know the title sounded like the start 
of a bad joke but  nothing else came to mind, 
This is whats still in my phone.. 
Halloween and 3252456 cat pictures. 
There are about 12 videos 
but I am afraid my house would be 
burned to the ground if I shared those.. 
So you'll have to use your imagination. 
Stating the obvs... 
I  was a Ninja. 
Michelle was a Pirate.
Mike was a Pilot. 
& Scott was a Gangster. 
We went out to Jenn's dads  for 
his annual Halloween bash. 
Some of us drank too much. 
Others not enough...
Hell what's Halloween
 with out a hangover?! 

Camping & My First Time Shooting

A few weeks ago 
we traveled about an hour and a half
away from home with some friends
to their 72 acres of peace and quite. 
We hadn't been camping in forever 
and I was itching to learn how 
to shoot a verity of guns. 

It was so much fun! 
On Saturday the guys went hunting 
and at that point it was bow season 
so we waited until Sunday to shoot 
I was super nervous but did pretty good!
I shot 2 pistols, a 22, a shot gun, and a 45.
I think the first pistol was my favorite! :) 
I brought an old bowling pin 
from my 6th birthday to shoot at 
It makes for a pretty cool trophy now
 I can't wait for spring and more camping trips!
There were 3 couples total and I felt like I 
was camping at the Ritz! 
We stayed with A & K and their tent was spotless
She even made a corner of the front porch
 a girls only bathroom with a bucket 
toilet seat, biodegradable pee bags 
Lysol wipes, hand sanitizer and an led light
and if you weren't a hand sanitizer person
there was a hand washing station of the back of 
the truck. The food was crazy. 
There was everything you could think of!
enough to keep you full for days! 
It was an awesome time and I can't wait to go back!

2ww and why I haven't been blogging

I feel like I am on repeat 
every time I post that we are 
again in the 2ww. 
In a way I kind of feel more 
and more like a fool 
every time I label a post 2ww..
Like it's really going to happen this time...
I did another unmonitored 
cycle of clomid 150mg. 
my first since May when it actually worked. 
I've had 2 doctors now do 
a slue of testing and one say to me 
I think your miscarriages might 
just be bad luck. 
So that's where we are. 
Hoping our bad luck streak is over. 
I'll be back in two weeks with an 
update of where we are. 

Why I haven't been blogging. 
I've been asking myself this 
question a lot in the last couple weeks.
I miss it. I really do. 
But I am lost. 
I got too wrapped up in the whole 
what do my readers want, side of it all. 
when really the truth is 
I started blogging for me. 
for my husband. 
for my family to keep them 
in the loop of where we were at 
in our journey to start a family.
I would get on to write a post 
and think no one will care to read 
that, what if they think what I am 
saying is offensive, what if they judge me?!
I probably wont even get any 
That's where it all goes wrong. 
When you start to worry about 
the stuff that in the long run doesn't really matter. 
I'm sad that these past 6 months I haven't 
written much. 
I feel like so much has happened 
and I didn't document it. 
So I am going to make 
an effort to get back here
to my tiny corner of the Internet 
to write about what I want to write 
about. About my life. about our life. 
and about our journey. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014


I take it as a bad sign 
when my Ovia App is filled with question marks.
as if it were saying WTF...
the "gift" of the 2ww ended up being an empty box. 
But that's okay because at the end of that wait
I received a gift of different sorts 
My beautiful Sister in law gave birth to her twins! 
I'm officially an Aunt! 
Of twin....
I couldn't love them more! 
They are beautiful and strong and healthy 
and they are bound to be spoiled rotten by 
their Auntie A :)

I called Dr. D to get my script 
of provera and to my surprise 
he added a script of clomid! ;) 
Out of the 3494156143 treatments 
we have done over the years,
the 150mg of clomid seem to be the only 
ones that work..
So cross your fingers this round is a go!
Now if AF would just show her lovely 
face so that we can get this show on the road!

In other news it's beginning to look a lot like 
with the chill in the air and the gingerbread melts 
in the warmer, I decided it was time to put 
up the tree! :)
I know, I know...
Don't forget about thanksgiving.
and I haven't I am just the type 
of person that likes the them to coincide.

I'll be back in a few weeks hopefully 
with some great news!!

Stay warm lovelies! ♥ 

Friday, October 17, 2014

An Empty Follow Up..Followed By A Gift

The follow up with my RE 
resulted in nothing. 
No information as to what went wrong on July 2nd. 
apparently the lab in Florida stated that 
the "product of conception" was 
not in fact my "product of conception" 
therefor resulting in no testing. 
No answers. 
Just more WTF's being tossed around. 
There has to be answer
there has to be some test that hasn't 
been done. There has to be a reason 
I can't stay pregnant. 
It's unbelievable to me sometimes 
to sit and think that we have 4 angel babies in heaven. 
FOUR! how is that even possible. 
Why is that even possible?!?!

There is something else I need to clear up
for my own piece of mind. 
Something I need to write out and hope that it makes sense. 
I'm a recurrent miscarrier. 
I'm labeled infertile. 
I'm strong and a fighter. 
I'm Human..I get sad and jealous.  
 I am also happy. 
I am happy for those that 
are deserving of pregnancy, and motherhood.
I am angry and jealous of those who are not. 
The ones who treat their pregnancy as a burden.

I guess what I am trying to say is
I am happy and over joyed
for the ones that I love who are expecting.

For the ones that I know
that are undeserving of their current state...
I want to run over you with my new hummer! :)


I went to my OBGYN on Monday
Dr. D
and I was reminded again why I love him!
I was actually there for my "yearly" and
to pick up a script of provera since I am currently on
CD 66!
we talked for a while about
what went wrong with my last pregnancy.
He told me that Dr. B screwed up
when it came to my progesterone...
he should have noticed the drop from
27 to 21 and been overly concerned.
But he wasn't...His staff kept saying,
Oh as long as it's over 21 you are fine...
Dr. D said F that Bull...
"I would have tripled your dose!"
He also stated that he wanted an Auto Immune test
ran on me asap. I honestly don't think Dr. B
ever did that! Or ever even thought about it.
As Dr. D was about to do
my pap. he interrupted me mid sentence and said...
  "Look at this! I see the Owls eye!"
"You my dear.. are ovulating!"
"You see this?!"
As he holds two tools above me
stretching egg white cervical mucus
as far as he could!
"4 or more inches my dear means you
definitely have an egg ready and waiting!"
I was shocked and silent in disbelief
"How?! Seriously!? I'm like 2 months late for my period?!"
Why?! How?!"
His reply covered me in chills...
"Sometimes we get a gift
& today you've received a special gift" 
He wrapped up the exam and gave me instructions
to go home and get to work..
Today I am 4 days past ovulation
ovulation that occurred on it's own.
I hope and pray that maybe this gift
will be the one that brings us home our baby.

So here's to being in the midst of
Hey Infertility... Thanks for making me a fighter! :)