Where is the Magic?

My Aunt said something to me a week ago that 

I will never forget

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. 

she said 

"Nothing seems Magical when you grow up" 

It's kind of true. 

The magic of Christmas as a kid was 

well, magic! 

It was the most wonderful time 

of the year for many reasons. 

It still is. But the magic is gone. 

I believe that when we have children 

we will see the magic of the holidays through

there eyes, but for now it's just another holiday. 

(Although I will say my parents do an 
awesome job at playing Santa and spoiling 
the shit out of Scott and I :) )

Our last cycle failed. 

I'm not surprised. 

I messed up my clomid and I don't 

think I even ovulated. 

My opk was positive but I had 

no other symptoms. 

I feel a little lost in the journey right now. 

There are many options. 

I know that. 

But not one that I can put all of my 

faith, hope and trust into. 

IVF was on the table 

and then we got pregnant. 

and then we lost the baby and I was reminded 

how quickly things can change.
I can't help but shake the feeling that 

IVF will work, but I won't be able to keep 

the pregnancy.

and why waste all that time, effort, 

emotion and money into something that isn't 

100% guaranteed. 

Then there's surrogacy. 

again not 100% that any of it will work. 

 More time, way more emotion, and a lot more money. 

with no guarantee of a healthy breathing baby

 at the end of it all. 

Then we have adoption. 

We have actually been talking a lot more about 

adoption lately. 

but it still makes me uneasy. 

There are so many what if's 

so many unknowns.

A lot of questioning myself.

In the end all the wishing 

and hoping and praying to just 

have a natural cycle and a normal pregnancy 

isn't going to just magically appear. 

I know I have to do something. 

I just don't know when, or what or how. 

I think when I know I will know. 

So for now this is where we are, 

still discussing our options. 

Still battling our fears. 

Still praying.