Monday, December 29, 2014

Where is the Magic?

My Aunt said something to me a week ago that 
I will never forget
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. 
she said 
"Nothing seems Magical when you grow up" 
It's kind of true. 
The magic of Christmas as a kid was 
well, magic! 
It was the most wonderful time 
of the year for many reasons. 
It still is. But the magic is gone. 
I believe that when we have children 
we will see the magic of the holidays through
there eyes, but for now it's just another holiday. 
(Although I will say my parents do an 
awesome job at playing Santa and spoiling 
the shit out of Scott and I :) )


Our last cycle failed. 
I'm not surprised. 
I messed up my clomid and I don't 
think I even ovulated. 
My opk was positive but I had 
no other symptoms. 

I feel a little lost in the journey right now. 
There are many options. 
I know that. 
But not one that I can put all of my 
faith, hope and trust into. 
IVF was on the table 
and then we got pregnant. 
and then we lost the baby and I was reminded 
how quickly things can change.
I can't help but shake the feeling that 
IVF will work, but I won't be able to keep 
the pregnancy.
and why waste all that time, effort, 
emotion and money into something that isn't 
100% guaranteed. 
Then there's surrogacy. 
again not 100% that any of it will work. 
 More time, way more emotion, and a lot more money. 
with no guarantee of a healthy breathing baby
 at the end of it all. 
Then we have adoption. 
We have actually been talking a lot more about 
adoption lately. 
but it still makes me uneasy. 
There are so many what if's 
so many unknowns.
A lot of questioning myself.
In the end all the wishing 
and hoping and praying to just 
have a natural cycle and a normal pregnancy 
isn't going to just magically appear. 
I know I have to do something. 
I just don't know when, or what or how. 
I think when I know I will know. 
So for now this is where we are, 
still discussing our options. 
Still battling our fears. 
Still praying. 


4 comments:

  1. Hope u can come to terms with whatever route u both decide to take. As long as ur on the same page things will seem clearer. Best of luck!

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  2. Have you ever thought about Embryo Adoption or Embryo Donation? Both are way more inexpensive than IVF, costs can vary, but most are less than $10,000. If you want more info I can point you in the right direction.

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  3. Hey hun, I'm sorry about another failed cycle. I know how you feel. I've been doing a lot of research since having two chemicals back to back. The PCOS and mild Endo... and everything I've been looking at. I see a tie in all my diagnosis and with researching for a few years now, I wonder if my vitamin D deficiency plays a part in any of this. Also possible that you need progesterone supplementation from ovulation on? I'm trying this now.... Again, I'm so sorry for your loss

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