Monday, December 29, 2014

Where is the Magic?

My Aunt said something to me a week ago that 
I will never forget
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. 
she said 
"Nothing seems Magical when you grow up" 
It's kind of true. 
The magic of Christmas as a kid was 
well, magic! 
It was the most wonderful time 
of the year for many reasons. 
It still is. But the magic is gone. 
I believe that when we have children 
we will see the magic of the holidays through
there eyes, but for now it's just another holiday. 
(Although I will say my parents do an 
awesome job at playing Santa and spoiling 
the shit out of Scott and I :) )

Our last cycle failed. 
I'm not surprised. 
I messed up my clomid and I don't 
think I even ovulated. 
My opk was positive but I had 
no other symptoms. 

I feel a little lost in the journey right now. 
There are many options. 
I know that. 
But not one that I can put all of my 
faith, hope and trust into. 
IVF was on the table 
and then we got pregnant. 
and then we lost the baby and I was reminded 
how quickly things can change.
I can't help but shake the feeling that 
IVF will work, but I won't be able to keep 
the pregnancy.
and why waste all that time, effort, 
emotion and money into something that isn't 
100% guaranteed. 
Then there's surrogacy. 
again not 100% that any of it will work. 
 More time, way more emotion, and a lot more money. 
with no guarantee of a healthy breathing baby
 at the end of it all. 
Then we have adoption. 
We have actually been talking a lot more about 
adoption lately. 
but it still makes me uneasy. 
There are so many what if's 
so many unknowns.
A lot of questioning myself.
In the end all the wishing 
and hoping and praying to just 
have a natural cycle and a normal pregnancy 
isn't going to just magically appear. 
I know I have to do something. 
I just don't know when, or what or how. 
I think when I know I will know. 
So for now this is where we are, 
still discussing our options. 
Still battling our fears. 
Still praying. 


  1. Hope u can come to terms with whatever route u both decide to take. As long as ur on the same page things will seem clearer. Best of luck!

  2. Have you ever thought about Embryo Adoption or Embryo Donation? Both are way more inexpensive than IVF, costs can vary, but most are less than $10,000. If you want more info I can point you in the right direction.

  3. Hey hun, I'm sorry about another failed cycle. I know how you feel. I've been doing a lot of research since having two chemicals back to back. The PCOS and mild Endo... and everything I've been looking at. I see a tie in all my diagnosis and with researching for a few years now, I wonder if my vitamin D deficiency plays a part in any of this. Also possible that you need progesterone supplementation from ovulation on? I'm trying this now.... Again, I'm so sorry for your loss