Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Well that was fun!

Saturday evening wrapped up our 
10 day adventure watching S. 
We had a lot of fun! 
there were only a handful of times 
that I got the typical thirteen year old silent treatment. 
I kept a log of each day, 
what we did, places we went and foods we ate. 
I wanted to be able to look back on day 10 
and say wow we did it! 
Getting up at 5:50am is no joke. 
I would set out some fruit cook some bacon 
and flip on the news. By 6:44 she was out the door 
most days I decided to get ready and go into work. 
But there were a few where I just had to lay back down.
Roxy would be ready and waiting with her
toy by the door every morning
S did my hair and make up
and taught me how to take selfies correctly..
 I never really got the hang of it lol...
I had to work one of the Sunday's so I took her with me
She wasn't too excited about the 7am wake up time
on the weekend so she slept on the 5 minute ride in!
the chinese buffet seemed to cheer her up,
Her fortune cookie read
"pass the bill to the person on your left"...
which just so happen to be me!
 Wednesday we woke up to snow!!
I LOVE SNOW! I was beyond excited!
sadly it all melted by late evening but it was pretty
while it lasted! :)
 Saturday we went to the UD Basketball game.
I have a borderline obsession with attending these games.
My dad has taken me to games since I was a toddler!
We hold season tickets that he shares with me!
It is by far one of my favorite parts of winter!
Besides the snow of course!
Soooooooooo fun!

Saturday evening wrapped up our week ten days of fun!
We headed straight home...
oh wait..that's a lie we stopped at the store to grab
a bottle of wine!
A much needed celebration for
A.) Keeping S alive
B.) Keeping the Dogs alive
C.) Keeping the house from burning down

We DID IT! WooooWhooo!

A little TTC update for you all,
We were on a natural cycle again this month
which of course did not end with a bfp..
But we are grateful for 2 important things..
1. I ovulated! on my own!
2. AF arrived ON TIME!
I see this as a small victory!
Two more weeks till we go back in to
revisit with Dr. D
at that appointment we will be drawling blood
and finalizing our plan of action!
annnnndd I will leave you with this awful
EVAP test that I took the morning before AF started...
The stupidest part about this test is that
that faint line showed up right away
which had me thinking it was the real deal!
But the cramping and spotting later that day
let me know AF was for sure on the way!

Today is CD2...

Sunday, November 17, 2013

My deepest sympathy

It is said that with life there is death. 
Many of us question why. 
It seems to be so cruel 
That someone we love so much
Will just one day leave us. 
Alone in this big world. 
This past week has held more death
Than I can handle. 
The death of two young boys
Of whome I have never met,
But touched the lives of 
Many that I am close to. 
The death of my husband's 
Aunt to whome so many loved 
And cared for deeply. 
And a tiny life lost 
before it could even begin. 
Sweet baby Jude. 
Holly's story flooded the blog 
World a few weeks ago
And I felt myself instantly 
Connected to her. 
She has a strength I have never seen before. 
My heart breaks tonight 
For all of the souls lost this past week. 
Too many too sudden. 
What are we left to do but pray? 
Pray for the ones we love to heal
Pray for the souls lost to find their way
And pray for the grieving to find peace. 
Please take a moment out of your 
Day to tell the ones you love how 
Much they mean to you. 
May Peace be with you. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I Believe There Are Angels Among Us

Sent down to us from somewhere up above. 
they come to you and me 
in our darkest hours 
to show us how to live, to teach us how to give 
to guide us with the light of love. 
 -Angels Among Us written by Don Goodman and Becky Hobbs

Yesterday I took four thirteen year old girls shopping...
I'll stop there to fill you in because I can hear you gasping...
I am "teen sitting" S while her and my parents are in Paris. 
 for my parents 30th wedding anniversary. 
She had a friend over yesterday, and my cousin who is also thirteen 
is her friend and wanted to join us, also bringing a friend. 
that is how I ended up with four of them. 
Thank the lord for my friend Jenn who agreed to meet 
us there to help keep me calm. 
Our first stop was going to be forever twenty one 
but as we were walking running to the front door 
S decided she had to use the bathroom first. 
We crossed the street and three of us waited 
while S & her friend went in. 
This is when the angels appeared 
 A tall man, a pretty blonde lady and a shorter lady in blue. 
They very politely told us that they 
were out practicing giving people 
encouraging words. 
They started with K they said very nice things about her
then to D as the pretty blonde was speaking 
the tall man interrupted her saying 
"I'm sorry but ever since we approached you 
you have had a large red angel above you. 
I want you to know that, that angel is always with you
he will never leave your side." 
 what the tall man didn't know is that D's brother had passed 
away some time ago and that his twenty third birthday 
would have been last week. 
was her brother the angel he was speaking of?
I would like to believe so. 
They continued to move around the group 
saying encouraging things to each of the girls. 
each one of them stated something that related 
to their life. They told S she had a true love for animals
and that one day she would make a great veterinarian..
S has wanted to be a veterinarian since she was 6. 
Then they got to me, the blonde spoke to me. 
She told me that I was a great leader, I had a passion 
for teaching people things and that I was a helper of man kind. 
The Greek meaning of Alexis helper of man kind
At this point she did not know my name. 
  The short lady in the blue coat then asked if they 
could practice their healing. 
We were all in shock of everything they
had already done so we decided to let them try. 
They started with S she had a back injury not 
to long ago that was causing her pain
at this point we were all standing in a circle 
and my friend Jenn had joined us. 
S stepped into the center and the pretty blonde 
placed her hand on the small of her back 
the tall mans hands hovered above her head 
and the short lady in the blue coat did the same. 
they began to pray. 
a minute or two later they were done 
and S claimed her pain was gone. 
They ask if she had any other pain
to which she replied her ankle, it was sore from cheer
and she hadn't been able to do a full back flip in two weeks.
they proceeded to heal her ankle, kneeling down 
speaking soft words to god. 
When they finish S exclaims her pain is gone! 
to prove it to us she puts down here things 
and does a full back flip right there on the sidewalk!
her second time ever doing one on concrete 
and she nailed it! 
I think there was a twenty second silence 
as we were all in utter shock. 
They prayed for D's wrist to heal 
and M's lower back pain to vanish. 

As they were concluding their kind words 
I decided to speak up. 
I focused my question to the pretty blonde. 
"Do you do special prayer requests?"
"Could you pray for my infertility?"
and before she could even answer I burst into tears. 
I'm not sure why exactly I think I was just overwhelmed
with so many emotions. I am a true believer that 
everything that happens happens for a reason. 
& I couldn't shake the feeling that those Angels 
were there for me. 
With tear filled eyes the pretty blonde replied
"Of course of course we will" 
"I battled infertility for 6 years
and I have felt your pain" 
"whats your name?"
"Alexis" I replied trying to hold back 
the messy sobbing I felt coming on
She grabbed my shoulders, bowed her head 
and began to pray. 
I wish I could remember her exact words. 
But as I stood there with my eyes closed 
and tears streaming down my face 
I heard nothing, all I remember is 
focusing on the tingling feeling running through 
my entire body as she spoke 
I remember the wind, the wind seemed to be 
so strong in that moment. 
I felt euphoric
 I felt light and free 
I felt peace, happiness and hope. 
I felt joy 
I felt like I was meant to be there 
in that place at that time
with those angels. 

When they finished I opened my eyes 
and she hugged me tightly. 
she whispered in my ear,
"I will continue to pray for you" 
The tall man said
"I see a lot of blue around you" 
"Be prepared to buy boy clothes!"
They then said Thank You,wished us well 
and disappeared into the crowd of holiday shoppers. 
 The rest of the day was a little weird. 
I just felt anxious and nervous
I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened
I couldn't focus on shopping at all. 
All I could do was replay the earlier 
events over and over again in my head. 
Wondering to my self why I didn't 
ask where they were from. 
 how I could find them again. 
I don't know why I would need to 
but I just had the urge to know. 

 I came home and facetimed my mom in Paris
I paced in circles as I waited for Scott to get home. 
They were both in as much shock as I was in. 
But they both told me the same thing. 
Everything happens for a reason. 
You were meant to meet them. 
They were sent to pray for you. 

Just when I started to question my faith... 
The angels appeared. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Going Back For Seconds

2 years of blogging
 3 + years of trying to conceive
2 natural miscarriages 
1 missed miscarriage 
1 D&C
1 chemical pregnancy 
countless pills
expensive ultasounds
painful injections 
crazy hormones 
tears and confusion 
shredded hope 
& very close to loosing our faith 
we are still here, still holding on, 
still fighting. 
Still trying with everything we have
to live a normal life while 
riding on this seemingly endless roller coaster. 
 & what I have feared the most since
starting this journey is now becoming a reality...
The fear of Getting left behind. 
Standing on the outside looking in, 
still wishing, still praying, still left with nothing. 
While I watch my friends go back for seconds. 
Happily enjoying their tiny ones
but preparing for number two. 
It's not hard for me to be happy for them, 
because I truly am. 
what is hard is to not have the answer to the number one 
question in this whole mess of infertility..
Why not me?
Why not now?
Why has everything gone the way it has?
Why does my state charge an insane amount for IVF?
Why doesn't my state require Infertility to be covered by insurance?
Why does it seem like all my prayers go unanswered?
Just Why?!
I know it's a question that will one day be answered
but not knowing when that day will come
 is the hardest part for me to manage.
What I do know is,
 that one day when we are
holding our child no matter how they 
became our child, 
the answer why will be in their eyes. 

 For now, I have to wait for that answer. 
I have to accept that everyone 
will go back for seconds when and if they desire even if 
I am still trying to finish what is on my plate. 

I won't give up. 
and I will continue to find happiness in 
my heart for the ones moving on 
even though sometimes 
I feel nothing but left behind.
photo by me

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

App Obsessed?

I'm ashamed to admit it...
but I am app obsessed!
there is literally an app for everything!
Want to know where the cheapest gas is? 
there's an app for that!
Want to know what to cook for dinner?
there's an app for that! 
Want to know your most fertile days?
there's an app for that too! 
My new obsession currently 
is the Ovuline app! 
I have had a menstrual cycle app for years 
but this one... Oh man. 
It blows them all out of the water! 
I literally got an email this morning that read...

It sent me skipping down the hall to find Scott :) 
"Look babe look!"
that's all it took! 

See the little person on the bottom pic 
with the MyQ under it?!
holy crap..
I think that thing could ask you questions 
for daysssss! 

I have been testing my LH level this month, 
I have been taking 
and drinking water like its my job. 
I have lost 11 pounds 
and am hoping this is the reason I am finally 
seeing a positive OPK! 
(hoping to see these pretty pink lines in 2 weeks!) 

If you don't have this app...
GO get it NOW! 
You'll be app obsessed just like me! 

Any other apps out there I need to obsess over?!
Please share!!! 

2 years blogging!

I am amazed at how fast time goes. 
It's scary really. 
2 years ago I sat down and opened blogger 
I created a blog name and selected the perfect picture. 
I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't have a clue 
if anyone would even read anything I wrote. 
But I wrote. 
& It took me to an amazing place. 
A world of internet friends that I pray for often,
that I think about daily, that I could see myself 
being real life friends with! 
This blogging journey has been an awesome ride
I love to look back at old posts, some that make me laugh 
and some that send tears streaming down my face. 
We have been through so much. 
with out this blog I don't think I would have 
been able to remember 1/2 of it! 
Thanks for following along!
Thanks for the prayers and encouragement!