Friday, September 18, 2015

When It's Hardest To Pray

Pray Hardest 
When It's Hardest
To Pray. 

This isn't how it was supposed to happen. 
I sobbed these words over and over 
into Scott's chest last night as we lied in bed. 

I knew it was over before it began. 
The first few days after our transfer 
I was on top of the world. 
Every moment of every day I just felt 
I was pupo. 
I had life inside of me
I could feel it in my bones. 
I imagined our lives everyday with this baby. 
What Christmas would be like with a bump 
what cute maternity outfit I would wear.
Who would visit us in the hospital 
what color our nursery would be. 
I filled my mind with the most
positive thoughts, there was never any doubt.

On day 5 I started to get antsy. 
I was expecting to be feeling something at this point. 
and I wasn't. There was nothing. 
and then the questions on my IG account 
started to roll in.
"When will you test?" 
"Are you waiting until beta?"
The fear slowly crept in when I realized 
that for the past 5 days I had thought of nothing else 
in the world besides this embryo being our baby. 
The one we would take home. 
Our plan from the beginning was to wait 
until the day of our beta and take 
a digital that morning together. 
That way we both knew and we weren't 
waiting around all day on the call. 
But on day 5 I started to get excited. 
I wanted to see those pink lines. 
I wanted the joy to last as long as possible. 
So Scott and I agreed we would stock up 
on FRER and begin testing.
The first test I took was a left over test from god know when. 
It was a blue dye test. 
I was so nervous those entire 3 minutes. 
I'm pretty sure I said the "Our Father" prayer 100 times. 
when the timer went off I took and deep breath 
and looked at the test. 
"Where is the other line?"
I screamed at the test as 
the tears rolled down my cheeks and 
the pain in my gut sharpened. 
It was negative. 
I had a moment or two of panic 
and then decided to talk myself into the 
"it's just too early" mind frame. 
an hour later I happened to glance at the test
and just as I know you suspected
a faint line had appeared. 
A damn evap line on a damn blue test. 
God I hate those things!
I buried it in the trash and went about my day. 
by 4 pm I decided to see what the FRER had to say. 
and much to my surprise she had the same answer 
as her stupid blue test brother.

Hope slowly fading 


By day 7 I just knew. 
I just had that feeling deep inside 
that it didn't work. 
all of my hope is gone. 
I read the words people wrote, 
they were all so kind and encouraging. 
But it didn't make me feel better. 
In fact, for a moment I got angry. 
I didn't want false hope. 

The hardest part about this journey 
is all of the emotion you put in to each 
and every cycle. 
you pray, you wish, you hope. 
and when your hope fades 
you turn to the internet to find 
"the stories" of "the ones" who made it 
the ones who have the outcome your looking for. 
You give yourself false hope to ease the pain. 

Not this time. I knew I couldn't do it this time. 
after five years I am tired. 
I am tired of hoping. 
I know miracles happen every day. 
But I am tired of hanging on to my hope 
by a single thread that I know in my heart 
is destined to break. 

at this point I felt like I was just peeing 
on the sitcks to get them out of my house. 
I wasn't antsy waiting those three minutes. 
I didn't hold it up to the light or take it apart. 
I waited for the results 
and then I moved on. 
My guard is up and my heart is prepared. 
I know the answer. 
I just have to wait until Friday for the final say. 

Beta day. 
I didn't test. 
I only had two left and they were both digital. 
I think at this point reading the words 
"not pregnant" 
would have been worse than 
just hearing my sweet nurses voice. 

My blood drawl was early 
my nurse was excited to see me,
more excited than i was to see her. 
She is such a sweet sweet person 
and I knew the moment I saw her I wouldn't 
be able to hold back the tears. 
She had so much hope for us. 
I told her as soon as I sat down 
that I had been testing. 
She looked sad. 
but she said some really amazing things. 
That made me remember why this is all so worth it. 
If anything we got answers out of this cycle. 
We know I have plenty of eggs. 
We know that I have some good eggs and some bad. 
We know that this isn't the end. 
There is more that can be done. 
We can keep going. 
We have the parts. 
We just need to make them work. 

It's a little after 1pm and I'm still waiting on the call. 
The call I know will seal the fate on this cycle. 
I'm 98% sure I know the outcome.
Hopefully they won't make me wait much longer. 

So where will we go from here? 
I'm really not sure. 
part of me wants to be done. 
completely done. 
Just move on with our lives with out children. 
But the other part of me cringes at the thought 
of living a childless life. 
Only time will tell, as it always does. 
Thank you for being here, 
Thank you for reading and commenting and encouraging me. 
Just. Thank You. 

Until next time ♥

ps...If your into drinking games...Take a shot everytime I said the word "hope" 


The day was finally here.
We woke up early and got ready for the day! 
The day that we would transfer 
our one and only perfect embryo! 

We were the last apt of the day, 
which we learned to love, you get ALL 
of the attention when you go last! :) 

We didn't wait long before we were called back 
and given our outfits to change into! 
Scott got dark blue scrubs, 
a hair net, shoe covers and a mask. 
He was so giddy in that moment while we changed. 
I loved every second of it. 
Seeing pure joy on your husbands face 
is the best feeling in the world. 

Soon after we changed the nurse came to get us 
and Dr. G followed behind, He had a picture in his hand 
of our embryo right after they froze it. 
He handed us the picture and said a few encouraging words 
and off we went
we walked into the operating room 
and the embryologist was waiting for us 
our tiny ball of cells was up on the screen. 
I though for sure I would cry. 
But the smile on my face was too big. 
She went over our information and verified that 
we were the parents of the tiny human she held in her hands.
Right after that I was told to lie back so we could 
proceed. I thought for sure it would feel like an IUI
that little snip of pain that only lasts for a few seconds. 
But I felt nothing! 
I couldn't really see the screen because I was tilted 
almost upside down. So instead I stared at Scott 
while I head my Oma's rosary and prayed. 
a quick 5 minutes later I was sat up and 
Dr. G turned the screen toward us! 
and replayed the video he had just created. 
We watched as he inserted the cathitor 
and pushed our little Embryo into my uterus. 
It was a magical moment. 
Seeing it float out of the tube and into my body. 

We got another picture and headed back to the room to change.

 We were told to get some food and take it easy for the day. 
All I wanted was my couch and some Panera. 
Scott took the entire day off which was so nice. 
We just laid around and watched movies. 
he waited on me hand and foot :) 

The next day my mom came over baring 
TONS of groceries! 
A little quick side story...
Two days before the transfer I was rushed 
to the ER with extreme shortness of breath and pain 
in my upper right abdomen. 
Turns out I have a crap load of gall stones! 
There was no need for emergency surgery 
as my gall bladder was not inflamed or infected. 
and we were cleared by multiple doctors to proceed 
with the transfer. 
With that being said. My whole diet had to change. 
IF I was going to be pregnant I had to manage 
my gall problems so that surgery would not have to happen. 
Gall bladder diets suck. 
But my mom found some great recipes and 
stocked us up on all of the foods that I can eat! 
She cooked for me all day. 
It was so nice to have here there! 
I must have asked her 100 times if she would just move it :)
My Aunt L showed up later in the afternoon 
to check up on me and drop off a few gifts! 
I loved having visitors and I couldn't help but envision 
9 months from now when people would be coming 
to visit the baby! 
The day after that my MIL came to visit! 
She brought me panera! haha I was on a roll 
and it was the only thing that sounded good 
besides bland broth and mashed potatoes. 
She brought me some cute gifts and we hung out on the couch 
and chatted the day away. It was really nice to have her visit. 
Saturday we had some friends come in from out of town. 
we again took it easy. I made sure to get up and move around.
Keep my blood flowing! 
Sunday Scott and I took a quick drive over to the pumpkin patch 
and picked a mom dad and baby pumpkin for our front porch
we had a nice day out and followed it with a great lunch 
and an afternoon nap. 
The rest of the days are kind of a blur. 
When you're home for a long time you forget 
silly things like what day it was, or if you had taken 
your meds for the day lol.. 
I was off work for 8 days so I had to keep myself busy 
but not overly active. 
Beta is 9.18.15 
My plan was not to test.
But my next post will explain how the rest of the week 
played out. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Summer 2015

I can't begin to explain how happy I am that summer 
is quickly coming to an end! 
I am not one for heat, or frizzy hair. 
I don't like my legs sticking to my leather truck seats 
and I hate sweating off my bronzer. 
Give me fall and winter year round and I'm happy. 
I wanted to jot down some fun things we did this summer 
other than IVF, I mean IVF is fun but I want to remember
 non related IVF stuff too! 

So my baby cousin graduated :)
He was my real life baby doll as a kid! 
my mom babysat him 5 days a week 
I would get home from school 
and play with him until my aunt picked him up! 
I even taught him how to walk at 10 months!
It's hard to believe how old he is now :( 
I see big things in his future and can't wait 
to watch him transition into being an adult! 

At the very end of May Scott and I took a long weekend 
down to see my cousin and her girls :) 
She was promoted to a new position in the Air Force 
and moved from Florida to Alabama 

We made a trip down to see the twins in early June
before our trip to Florida in July ♥

3 days before our trip to Florida I had a freak out moment 
about my hair color and health and decided to go back dark :0
I'm still rocking the dark but definitely missing the blonde! 

At the end of June Scott and I road tripped down to 
FL to meet up with my parents for our 
annual Ft Lauderdale trip! 
We ended up leaving a day early to head down 
and planned to camp in a tent on the beach..
4 hours into our drive (we left at 10pm) 
we hit really really bad weather in Kentucky.
The part of Kentucky where there is nothing
It was raining so hard you couldnt see anything 
and the truck was hydroplaning all over the highway
we pulled off at the first exit we could find 
and decided to sleep for a few hours until the storm passed
our hotel choices were slim and we ended up in a $60 dollar 
room, the ones where your scared to pull back the covers. 
The storm was still going strong and about 5 mintues after we laid 
down a lighting bolt hit the power line right outside our room! 
It was insanely scary and I'm a storm lover! 
So much for sleeping! 
Once we got up and got back on the road 
I decided there was no way in hell I was sleeping 
in a tent. on sand. I needed a real bed and a real shower!
So Scott agreed and let me pick out the hotel! 
I picked the pinkest hotel florida has to offer :) 
everything in this hotel was pink! and it was perfect! 
The next morning we went to breakfast and then 
picked my parents up from the airport
those brats were living it up for the week in Vegas!
 Everything from that point on was just pure relaxation!
 The cutest resort ever we've been coming to for years
 Our pool is pretty much on the beach 
and since you cant burn your feet or get eatin by a shark 
in the pool that's were I decided to stay :)
 A lot of red solo cups and lounging around :)
and my dollar store hat to keep my face wrinkle free!
We played an intense game or two of shuffleboard to pass 
the evening hours while others napped :)
At the end of the week my parents decided 
they wanted to stay a few extra days so Scott and I flew home
He had work and I had an ultrasound scheduled for our IVF cycle
Flying was SO MUCH NICER than that god awful 18 hour drive
I mean I love a good road trip but 18 hours is just too damn long. 

8.8.15 One of my very best friends tied the knot!
by pure luck I found her the perfect venue 
 are they not the cutest!
 yes I have a beer in my hand it was 100 degrees 
 it was a fabulous weeding and so so so much fun!! 

Mia being a Ham on the way to the rehearsal dinner 

On the 10th my mom and I went to our first 
concert ALONE! we saw REBA!!! 
We had an absolute blast! 
  On the 22nd Scott and I went with my parents to 
see 3 doors down! 
My dad and I have seen them about 5 times now!
they put on a great show! 
Unfortiountly my cell died right before 
the concert started so I got two pictures -_-
 Yes we tailgate 
The next weekend Scott and I joined 
my dad and his friends son Vito 
to a Bengals vs. Bears preseason Football game!
which was also a blast! 

 Before the game! 

This weekend we are taking it easy! 
Our transfer is one week from today!! 
I'm so ready for fall and winter!

Just seven more days...
I can't wait!!!!