Saturday, November 9, 2013

Going Back For Seconds

2 years of blogging
 3 + years of trying to conceive
2 natural miscarriages 
1 missed miscarriage 
1 D&C
1 chemical pregnancy 
countless pills
expensive ultasounds
painful injections 
crazy hormones 
tears and confusion 
shredded hope 
& very close to loosing our faith 
we are still here, still holding on, 
still fighting. 
Still trying with everything we have
to live a normal life while 
riding on this seemingly endless roller coaster. 
 & what I have feared the most since
starting this journey is now becoming a reality...
The fear of Getting left behind. 
Standing on the outside looking in, 
still wishing, still praying, still left with nothing. 
While I watch my friends go back for seconds. 
Happily enjoying their tiny ones
but preparing for number two. 
It's not hard for me to be happy for them, 
because I truly am. 
what is hard is to not have the answer to the number one 
question in this whole mess of infertility..
 WHY?
Why not me?
Why not now?
Why has everything gone the way it has?
Why does my state charge an insane amount for IVF?
Why doesn't my state require Infertility to be covered by insurance?
Why does it seem like all my prayers go unanswered?
Just Why?!
I know it's a question that will one day be answered
but not knowing when that day will come
 is the hardest part for me to manage.
What I do know is,
 that one day when we are
holding our child no matter how they 
became our child, 
the answer why will be in their eyes. 

 For now, I have to wait for that answer. 
I have to accept that everyone 
will go back for seconds when and if they desire even if 
I am still trying to finish what is on my plate. 

I won't give up. 
and I will continue to find happiness in 
my heart for the ones moving on 
even though sometimes 
I feel nothing but left behind.
photo by me

8 comments:

  1. Aw, sweetie. I am so sorry. This is devestating. The worst for me was always not having answers. And being lapped by seconds is just life's cruel ways. It's so unfair, because if it was based on patience, a great attitude, and potentially fantastic parents it would so be you guys. I know that you will have a baby in your life, and one thing I can say for the other side is that I would wait 10 times over for the baby that I have. She was meant for me and you will feel the same about your little one too. That is the only consolation I can offer. When you look into their eyes and say "you were worth the wait, special baby!"

    Because if I was handing out babies, you would be at the top of my list. Sorry I don't comment all the time, but I always read and this one especially pulled at my heart strings!


    Hang in there!

    Ps, you guys are the best at living in the present and enjoying life!

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  2. I asked myself those same questions a year ago..This journey can be soooo sooooo very hard...I am prayiing you get your hearts desire sooner, rather than later....I have seen sooo many go on to have baby 1, 2 and 3 all while still trying...I am so happy for them, just grieved that our cards had to be so crappy...=( many hugz and prayers.
    http://ttcaftertr.blogspot.com/

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  3. Oh, Alexis. There is so much I want to say, but I hesitate because I know you've heard it all before... And I know you already know that once you finally have your baby in your arms, you'll know it was so worth the wait... I know you already know not to give up...because you haven't. I know you already know that what you've gone through (and are going through) is so unbelievably unfair... You are so strong, so positive, so deserving of a baby. I truly believe that if life were fair, you and Scott would be the ones on baby #2, or 3, or 4. I wish it could be that way *now.* I wish you didn't have to wait. Just know that I'm always praying that the baby you are meant to have is no more than a cycle away... Lots of love, xoxoxo

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  4. You are such a strong woman! I hope and pray that you will one day have your dreams come true! :)

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  5. This post breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that this is your road, but one day, you will get to the end of it and find your rainbow. HUGS!

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  6. I asked myself this very question, it was such a struggle to sometimes understand the why... I cannot put words to how unfair this all is, like you I having reason to lose hope year after year... I didn't and I hope that you will not either, you are strong and this strugle is so worth the wait, unfortunate as the "wait" and Struggle is... My Aunt said something really profound and thoughtful to me that I really take with me: "In Life we are only dealt what we can handle, we are shaped from our experiances..." and i read something about a medical study saying that mothers who have been many years of trying and lack of hope and then to achieve pregnancy and then motherhood, have an amazing ability to be more attentive and kind to thier children, a better mother... I think that these are the things that kept me going for 4 years... I just hope that I can now live up to those remarkable statments... I know you can. The kindness you show your family is testimate to how awesome it's going to be when this little one comes.... and they will.

    Have you tried writing future - Like I have a baby who's healthy happy and whole - hand writing, as silly as this sounds, hand writing out your wishing for the future as if they have happened, I was told my my teacher, a developmental phys. Dr, that our brains actaully can connect thought from written words.... It can ever hurt... and it really helped me, just connect with healing and heading in the right direction- I am NOT one to do anything hookey or cookey but I really didn't believe it at first and then after starting in January and really felt better about things as I did it, more and more.. then June came and my suprise... I was prego...I know it didn't get me prego it just helped me with dealing with it- Journaling daily my furture hopes as if they happened... they did... I am not 24 weeks along and I actaully am able to be happy now about it and I am able to let myself be happy about this little one.... It really helped me see that hope was real... if that sounds corney, it totally is... But it helped me, i just want to pass that along, I didn't jornal every day just when I thought about it, just when I felt like I needed to...

    But I am right there with you, Hold on... Sending good vibes and hopefuly baby news, xo

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  7. I'm so sorry. Praying for you, today and everyday.

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