2 years of blogging
3 + years of trying to conceive
2 natural miscarriages
1 missed miscarriage
1 chemical pregnancy
tears and confusion
& very close to loosing our faith
we are still here, still holding on,
Still trying with everything we have
to live a normal life while
riding on this seemingly endless roller coaster.
& what I have feared the most since
starting this journey is now becoming a reality...
The fear of Getting left behind.
Standing on the outside looking in,
still wishing, still praying, still left with nothing.
While I watch my friends go back for seconds.
Happily enjoying their tiny ones
but preparing for number two.
It's not hard for me to be happy for them,
because I truly am.
what is hard is to not have the answer to the number one
question in this whole mess of infertility..
Why not me?
Why not now?
Why has everything gone the way it has?
Why does my state charge an insane amount for IVF?
Why doesn't my state require Infertility to be covered by insurance?
Why does it seem like all my prayers go unanswered?
I know it's a question that will one day be answered
but not knowing when that day will come
is the hardest part for me to manage.
What I do know is,
that one day when we are
holding our child no matter how they
became our child,
the answer why will be in their eyes.
For now, I have to wait for that answer.
I have to accept that everyone
will go back for seconds when and if they desire even if
I am still trying to finish what is on my plate.
I won't give up.
and I will continue to find happiness in
my heart for the ones moving on
even though sometimes
I feel nothing but left behind.
|photo by me|