Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Just like that?

Last Friday I took one final test to confirm I wasn't pregnant before I hopped in the car and traveled south to Alabama to drop off Miss Mia and visit with Jillian and Peyton. The test was a BFN so off I went expecting to start on Saturday. Saturday came and went with no sign of AF. On our way home Sunday my mom, aunt and I got to talking about my crazy cycle and what was going on, I decided then I would take my last FRER the following morning.. Much to my surprise Monday morning the test showed a very very very faint line. I called my RE and explained to them that I thought I could be a week late but wasn't sure because of the crazy stair stepping process I had done in November that threw my cycle off, and also that I had a very very faint test! They had me come in right away for blood work, and 3 short hours later they called to confirm that I was in fact pregnant but that my levels were extremely low and that I was more than likely having a bio Chemical pregnancy. The nurse made an appointment for me to return on Wednesday to confirm their theory. Today I started to cramp and spot. So the repeat labs will not be necessary. I just can not believe this is happing? That we conceived on our own, on our off month... Only to have it ripped away yet again. I am assuming that this will not affect our iui for next month and that we can go ahead with our plan. But it's just so hard to accept that 4 times now, I have been pregnant and 4 times now I have not been able to carry that pregnancy to term. It makes me scared for next month, it makes me scared for the future in general..will I ever be able to have a successful pregnancy or will we just keep getting up, to get knocked down? So it's over just like that.. Another pregnancy come and gone.

28 comments:

  1. Oh hun! I am so sorry! I hate this for you!!

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  2. Have you had a RPL done yet? I am so sorry. Chemical pregnancies are the absolute worse thing and so cruel :(

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  3. I'm so sorry. :-( I wish all of this were easier.

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  4. So sorry to hear this, what a rollercoaster. This does seem so cruel!

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  5. Oh, I am so sorry to read this. Keeping you in my thoughts!

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  6. I'm so sorry sweetheart. IF is such a bitch!

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  7. Wow. I am so sorry. I am so disappointed with you. I pray that it is just spotting and this may be a miracle sticky pregnancy. It's just not right, :(

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  8. Part of me wants to say thats it throw in the towel. Lay on the ground and I'll cover you so you don't feel the next blow coming, let it hit me instead, but that is wrong.
    Even though we can't see it now, there has to be a solution, a sunrise beyond the clouds. Remember what I have always told you, no matter how bad you have it, there is somebody else out there that has carried 10 times your burden.
    Lean on Scott, lean on me and your Dad, lean on all of these wonderful people that you have met through your Blog and we will help hold you up until you can do it yourself.
    Find that unshakeable faith and determination that you carry.
    Remember...
    IF THE PLAN DOESN'T WORK,
    CHANGE THE PLAN
    BUT NEVER THE GOAL
    That being said, let's go throw rocks and cuss at the top of our lungs.
    I love you two.
    Momma

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  9. Alexis... my heart breaks for you. I hate to have to imagine what you're feeling right now... I have no words. (((HUGS)))

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  10. I am so so sorry hun!! Lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way. Hopefully your IUI cycle will go on without any problems. <3 you!

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  11. I'm so sorry. Have you guys undergone the recurrent loss panel?

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  12. Alexis, I am so so terribly sorry for what you are going through. I know if feels like such a punch in the stomach and heart. I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away. you are beyond strong and faithful...full of life and hope and I know you will kick this in the ass. You have every right to grieve and be angry...let it out and scream! I believe that this won't disrupt your next IUI cycle and I will be praying so so very hard. You will be in my thoughts as always! Huge monster hugs! Xoxox
    Maria

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  13. I am so very sorry. you have every right to be angry and sad. i will keep you in my thoughts

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  14. I'm sorry. I'm hoping and praying this has no affect on anything in the future except helping you carry a baby to term.

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  15. I'm so sorry :( I can completely relate to how you are feeling about the future. But I do believe this WILL happen for you someday. Just remember you have great doctors on your side fighting right along with you. I hope your IUI brings you a successful, healthy pregnancy. ((Hugs))

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  16. I can't wait to give you a big hug on Friday night b/c honestly I just don't have any words, so I hope my love and support for you both helps just a bit to warm your heart!

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  17. Alexis, my heart was in my throat when I read this post. I literally screeched out loud when I got to the part about your faint positive, and by the time I got to the end, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I am so, so sorry. Words cannot accurately express how sorry I am. Reading your momma's post, too--I feel so much for your whole family. I wish we had the power to ask "why" and receive immediate answers. (Well, really, I wish we never had cause to ask why in the first place.) I truly believe that one day, you will look back on these posts with your rainbow baby in your arms and understand why things had to happen the way they did. Until then though, I am praying for peace and strength for you all. Love and hugs~~xoxo

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  18. Alexix! I just read this and just want to come give you a big hug! This just all seams so unfair. :( You will make the BEST mommy and deserve it so much! I just wish I could understand it all- I hate that you are dealing with this yet again. It hurts my heart. Sending you hugs and prayers in your time of need. You are such a positive light in this blogging community! Never give up hope! xoxoxox

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  19. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this again! It's simply not fair!

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  20. :( I was just coming over to stalk your page and saw this. ((((((hugs)))))) I'm so sorry to hear this. . . I'm sorry you are going thought this. Have they tested you for autoimmune diseases of Natural Killer cells?? Sending big hugs and lots of love your way.

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