Sunday, May 27, 2012

CD57...

Say What?! 

I had a feeling AF would take her sweet time arriving but 
come on already!
after mc #2 AF didn't show till CD78! 
RE Dr. B offered the pill to jump start things for me 
but every time I think about calling I talk myself out of it..
I have been trying to justify why I do this and I think it 
just boils down to, I want my body to do it naturally, 
it obviously isn't ready so why force it? 
why not just let it happen?
Other than the fact that we are absolutely at a stand still 
until she arrives...(twice) 
But I am really okay with it. 
I have a lot going on, like spending time with 
the most amazing husband in the world,
work and the house
two brand new babies in the family
and lots of little ones around to keep me entertained. 

I've had a few people ask how I have "been doing'
I know its a hard topic for people to bring up 
you know the miscarriage, the M word that 
no one likes to say, But honestly I feel 
like I am truly at peace with it all. I can talk about it, 
I can think about it, I can write about it.
I know in my heart there was a reason 
that things happened the way they did. 
I have the occasional moment when I read 
some fellow bloggers that I was pregnant with 
and see how far along they are now, the moment 
when I think..I would have been 20 weeks, 
finding out the sex and seeing a real baby profile on an ultrasound
But in those moments I don't cry, 
I don't get angry or upset. 
I just go back to my feelings, my feelings that 
what happened, happened for a reason.
& our journey isn't over and we aren't done fighting. 

I keep having these visions, I guess you could call them. 
of Scott and I with two babies
I had a dream not to long ago, and in that dream 
I was sorting though the box of clothes my mom and I 
bought on our road trip, I was folding boy and girl clothes, 
Scott came in the room hugged me from behind and 
whispered in my ear, see love, you knew what you 
were doing buying boy and girl clothes our babies 
will be adorable in these! 
Weird right?! 
Guess we will just have to wait and see what the future holds! 
 

12 comments:

  1. You are such an amazingly strong, positive woman! I think about you all the time and am always sending thoughts and prayers your way. I hope that dream comes true ASAP!!

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    1. Thank you so much :) & I watched your video the other day it absolutely melted my heart!! They are just adorable!

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  2. I'm with Mrs. E. Seriously, Alexis...you are one tough cookie...and I mean tough in such a strong and beautiful way. You allow yourself to grieve and work through your emotions. And you're not afraid to let them show...it love that.
    And I love that you keep on going...always soaking up the good in life.
    I've been thinking about you so much and saying lots of prayers. I'm sorry af is taking her sweetass time. I can completely understand why you want to wait and see if it happens naturally.
    Sending so much love and hope your way!
    Xoxoxo
    Maria

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    1. Thank you so much Maria! You are too sweet! Sending love and prayers to you always!

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  3. Love your dream...made my heart melt. I wonder how your doing often as well, thanks for the update. I dont personally know you but knowing you through this blog is great. You seem like a strong, beautiful soul and I love how open you are. Your such an inspiration! Everything will work out for your family! ;)

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    1. Thank you so much! It makes me tear up to hear I am an inspiration! Thank you thank you! I think we would make awesome IRL friends!

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  4. C'mon AF!! And I love your dream :) I had a dream I had a baby girl months before I got pregnant (and you know what happened) so I'm sure your dream is gonna come true!

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  5. you are so brave... I think you are amazing!

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    1. :) Thank You! been missing you around here! Hope all is well!

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  6. I totally understand wanting to let it happen naturally. I wanted that with all of my miscarriages, and I fortunately got to for the first 2. It always took such a long time to happen, but once it did, I felt so good knowing I let nature take it's course. I think it's just easier to deal with, and probably easier on your hormones. I feel like the instant hormone drop from a d&c or a pill is a little too much. I mean, you already have to deal with the heartache, why have hormones making your brain go even more crazy?
    I can totally relate to watching someone be where you should be in your pregnancy. I've had that every time, and while it's hard, you have this feeling inside that your time is coming!
    I love that you're having such positive dreams. I always had them too. Sometimes, I have dreams about 3 babies, and I SWEAR it's the 3 I lost. Other times, I would dream about new babies, and sure enough, I have one on the way :) it's a sign, trust me. You will get your miracle/s :)
    Good for you for being so positive and strong, it's really the best thing you can do. Thinking of you always!

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    1. So very true! I don't think any added hormones are needed right now! lol! I am feeling very positive right now, it's a good place to be and nice to feel whole again! Thank you so much for your kind words :) they make me smile!

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