Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Last Little Pill..

Sounds like a book title doesn't it? 
The Last Little Pill...
lol..I won't write a book I promise 

So tomorrow is my last little white pill 
I am starting to feel the aches and pains 
I haven't felt since January.. 
back aching and twinging cramps beginning 
I am hungry for carbs and I have...
backne :( 

okay its not really that bad but I have never 
(knock on wood) in my life had an issue with 
any type of acne I mean I do get the occasional 
pimple the week before my period but nothing major 
I just know AF is right around the corner, I lay in bed this morning swearing of the beginning of the cramps and thinking to myself how funny it is, AF, 
I spent so many months never wanting to see her ugly face again and now I just wish she would get here and leave again! 
I have a feeling this weekend is going to suck just a little.
I will be spending quality time with my Whirlpool bath and heating pad! 
I just pray that this regulates everything, 
and that she can arrive in a timely manner come July! 
Then fingers crossed we should be able 
to begin the process in August! just for reminders we are planned to do the HSG during the time I am taking 
150mg of clomid we will be checking follicle/lining sizes and doing a trigger shot, with heprin injections and a Beta drawl two weeks following, I am nervous about the beta  I kinda would like to sleep through the 
first 12 weeks and  maybe longer then have someone wake me up around week 24?! too much to ask for?
I just keep thinking about how EARLY it is when they do the beta drawl, 
early as in I will be reliving the long agonizing scary as hell 12 weeks all over again! 
I sometimes think to myself that I will play the cool calm and collective type, if I do become pregnant right away, I will just not get attached and keep my mind track set on the fact that anything could happen and it could all end at a moments notice. But then I contradict that thought 
with the thought of why not celebrate and be excited? 
Anything unexpected can happen at anytime, as far to many of us know. 
So why not embrace it and live in the moment 
Will the pain of another loss over power the pain of not acknowledging the pregnancy until I feel it's "somewhat safe" when It never really is? 
I hate that I have to think this way,
 I hate that my past and most recent loss have jaded me so much that I even 
have thoughts about not acknowledging my pregnancy till I am in the second tri
 There is so much in this life that is not fair..
but IF and the Loss of a baby has got to be the most unfair shit in the entire world! 
Anyways this is turning into a book and I need to keep my thoughts positive 

speaking of thoughts...

I gave in and started reading 50 shades of Gray...
 is all I have to say! (& I am only on chapter 9)
Anyone out there reading it? or already read it? 


  1. Yay for the last pill, hope AF shows up soon!

  2. Glad to hear that things are moving along. Last pill and then a fresh start. Yeah!!!! I am on the 3rd book in the 50 Shades of Grey series. I think it is great and it really helps me to take my mind to another place and not think about IF. Good Luck!!! FX for you!!!

    1. Thank you! & I really like the book too! It does a wonderful job keeping my mind occupied! lol..

  3. Good luck to you and your hubs and positive vibes going your way!!! :)

  4. EEK! Good luck lady!!! I am so excited/nervous for you! Sending prayers your way for sure!!! I can't wait to hear your success story- because you are working so hard for this and deserve it so much!!!!! Hang in there!

  5. ahh i hope AF shows soon for you!! I really want to read 50 shades but I am waiting to "borrow" it on my kindle app. might have to break down and just buy it because I really want to start it!! :) Good luck darling!

    1. Thanks for the luck! and the book is pretty darn good! I was waiting for a while for my friend to finish it so I could read it! she is already done with book two!

  6. I remember so well how it feels so just want af to hurry up and arrive. It's such a relief when she finally does... well, mental relief. I hope she shows up ASAP, and gets it over with! I hope you can relax as much as possible this weekend!
    When I got pregnant for the 4th time (with haven) after losing 3 in a row... I had a different attitude toward my pregnancy. I just kept saying, "Nope, I'm not letting you go, I will not go through that again." I stayed as distracted as possible, and anytime I felt a little bit of worry over a cramp or lack of symptoms, I would quickly remind myself, "This baby isn't going anywhere!" It took a lot of strength, and faith. I just would NOT allow myself to worry, and I stayed off of google, babycenter, and any other website that I knew would make me over think things, and panic.

    I pray that when you get pregnant again you are at peace.
    That you are able to enjoy it for all that it is! Getting through the first trimester will be hard, but once you do, you will be on top of the world :) So it's worth it!

    <3 Heather

    1. I hope she shows up soon too! I love the positive attitude! I think I will surely be trying that! I will totally stay off google this time too! Damn google! Thank you so much for your encouraging words! They truly help during this crazy time! ♥

  7. I hope Everything goes well for you in te next few days/weeks. I'm looking forward to te 'Im pregnant!' post!! Will be praying for you!!
    I'm almost done with the last 50 Shades book. I LOVED them!! Aside from the kinkery, there is a beautiful love story. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on it. Enjoy!!!!

    1. Thank you :) I am looking sooooo forward to writing out that post! Yay! I love that you loved the books! I love it too and I'm only on book one! LOL! I wonder if they will make them into movies? pretty sure they would have to be Xrated though! :P

  8. i'm glad you're finished the last of your pill! ohhh, i so feel ya, sister. isn't it crazy how we either are begging and pleading for AF to not show her face OR anxiously awaiting her arrival and departure!?!
    i hope that if she's arrived she sees her way on out VERY soon!!
    omygosh, you have one of those cool bath tray thingies!! one of my friends was telling me about them and how much i need one! now that i see it, I NEED ONE! i'm going to look for one! haha! you sold me with the candle and wine glass :)

    i am always thinking of you and praying big prayers for you, alexis! it sounds like you and i are taking almost the same exact approach with our next try. you have all my faith that you and scott are going to continue to be amazing and strong and get through this and end up with a rainbow at the end. the love and life you pack into each day is SO wonderful to see, my friend!
    keep on smiling! :)
    sending tons of love to you!
    maria <3