The Last Little Pill..

Sounds like a book title doesn't it? 

The Last Little Pill...

lol..I won't write a book I promise 

So tomorrow is my last little white pill 

I am starting to feel the aches and pains 

I haven't felt since January.. 

back aching and twinging cramps beginning 

I am hungry for carbs and I have...

backne :( 

{YUCK} 

okay its not really that bad but I have never 

(knock on wood) in my life had an issue with 

any type of acne I mean I do get the occasional 

pimple the week before my period but nothing major 

I just know AF is right around the corner, I lay in bed this morning swearing of the beginning of the cramps and thinking to myself how funny it is, AF, 

I spent so many months never wanting to see her ugly face again and now I just wish she would get here and leave again! 

I have a feeling this weekend is going to suck just a little.

I will be spending quality time with my Whirlpool bath and heating pad! 

I just pray that this regulates everything, 

and that she can arrive in a timely manner come July! 

Then fingers crossed we should be able 

to begin the process in August! just for reminders we are planned to do the HSG during the time I am taking 

150mg of clomid we will be checking follicle/lining sizes and doing a trigger shot, with heprin injections and a Beta drawl two weeks following, I am nervous about the beta  I kinda would like to sleep through the 

first 12 weeks and  maybe longer then have someone wake me up around week 24?! too much to ask for?

I just keep thinking about how EARLY it is when they do the beta drawl, 

early as in I will be reliving the long agonizing scary as hell 12 weeks all over again! 

I sometimes think to myself that I will play the cool calm and collective type, if I do become pregnant right away, I will just not get attached and keep my mind track set on the fact that anything could happen and it could all end at a moments notice. But then I contradict that thought 

with the thought of why not celebrate and be excited? 

Anything unexpected can happen at anytime, as far to many of us know. 

So why not embrace it and live in the moment 

Will the pain of another loss over power the pain of not acknowledging the pregnancy until I feel it's "somewhat safe" when It never really is? 

I hate that I have to think this way,

 I hate that my past and most recent loss have jaded me so much that I even 

have thoughts about not acknowledging my pregnancy till I am in the second tri

 There is so much in this life that is not fair..

but IF and the Loss of a baby has got to be the most unfair shit in the entire world! 

Anyways this is turning into a book and I need to keep my thoughts positive 

speaking of thoughts...

I gave in and started reading 50 shades of Gray...

WOAH...

 is all I have to say! (& I am only on chapter 9)

Anyone out there reading it? or already read it?