Monday, July 14, 2014

The Beginning to the End...

If you follow me on FB or IG 
you've already got the gist of whats been going on. 
If not here's the story, it doesn't have a happy ending
so if you're not in a good place skip this post. 
From Beginning to End. 

Thursday June 5th I hopped in the shower
before bed for some reason I decided to take a hpt. 
I had no clue where I was in my cycle. 
We had done an un-monitored round of 150mg of clomid
in may. I got sick the day of my last dose so I figured I was 
out for the month. I began antibiotics and went on my way. 
We were basically trying a last resort while waiting to start IVF.

When I got out of the shower I glanced at the test 
and put it back on the counter, I picked it back up instantly 
and held it in the light. 
There was a line. a VERY VERY VERY faint line. 
But it was there. I could see it. 
I called for Scott and he could also see it. 
The next morning I took another dollar store test 
and again another faint line.
After years of analyzing tests I decided 
I didn't want to play that game and I would just 
go in for blood work. 
On my way back from the lab I stopped and bought 
3 FRER tests and went straight home to pee on them.
I took one and that was all I needed. 
The faint line was there. barely there. but there. 
Here is where it gets a little confusing. 
I was seeing my OB and my RE at the same time... 
ya I know I'm a cheater. but whatever. 
my OB is the one who prescribed the clomid. 
my RE had no idea :-/ oops. 
after I got the faint line on the FRER I started to panic 
a little knowing that I needed to call my RE 
and get started on progesterone and heprin injections right away. 
They were super nice and agreed to call everything in 
before I even had labs drawn for their office. 
Friday afternoon my OB called 
and said um have you started your period?
que instant panic...
He said that my HCG was a 5 yep FIVE and that
 I was either super early or about to start my period.!
My re had called in labs for Saturday 
Morning. When I arrived at the lab
They were closed. I was scheduled
To go in and take another heprin class
Monday afternoon at 1pm 
So around 8am I ran and got bloodwork
When I arrived to my apt they 
Already had the results my 
Hcg was a 43! 
Progesterone was 25 or something 
I honestly had so many labs 
I don't remember!
At this point my OB was guessing
That I conceived around June 3rd
Because I did an un monitored cycle
We were unsure when I ovulated. 
On June 26th the day before we left for Florida I had an ultrasound
My last labs showed my hcg at 
3925 and the doctors were happy
The ultrasound showed a perfect
Sac and a faint flicker
I measured 5 weeks 3 days
With a due date of

Our trip down to Florida went great
We stopped every two hours
So I could stretch and pee!
On Tuesday morning
I noticed that my boobs weren't as sore
I tried not to freak out but in the 
Back of my mind I was scared
Disappearing symptoms is never good.
By Tuesday evening 
I was feeling very off
I went to the bathroom and noticed
A pea size dot of brown
I kept my cool knowing that 
Brown with no cramping was "ok"
Wednesday things started to slowly 
Go down hill. My boobs were no longer sore at all. My spotting had increased
Turning from brown to pink. 

Thursday the cramps kicked in.
I knew it was over. 
I stayed hopeful for my husband 
And family but in my heart I knew. 

Friday the pink turned red
And I was having constant period cramping. I really did not want to go to 
The ER on the 4th of July and
Decided I would go in the morning.

When I woke up Saturday 
The spotting had pretty much turned to bleeding and the cramps were intense. 
Scott and I arrived at a Florida hospital 
Around 11am, we had the best staff
You could ask for! The pelvic showed
That my cervix was closed but the
Ultrasound showed an empty sac.
I only saw the screen for a second but
The image of that empty black hole
Is burned in my memory.
My stomach was in knots 
Knowing that it was truely over. 
The baby that we had prayed for
The baby that came to us right before
We spent our life savings on IVF
Was gone. Just like that. 

I was sent home with some pain
Medication for the cramping and was told to rest.
When we returned to the hotel 
Scott and I changed and went straight 
To the ocean we floated side by side in silence. 
It was peaceful and at that moment all we wanted was peace.
About 2 hours later I was beginning
To cramp very badly. I couldn't lay or sit. 
I took 2 hot showers on all fours. 
It sadly was the only comfortable position I could find.
 Around 6pm I couldn't take it anymore. The cramps had turned to 
contractions coming every two minutes and lasting about 35-40 seconds. 
My mom and Scott took me back to the ER 
and things quickly turned from bad to worse.
Everything at this point got little fuzzy.
I can't find a word to describe the pain. 
It was the most excruciating pain 
I've ever felt in my life. I couldn't control myself I was screaming, crying and hyperventilating. 
I kneeled backwards 
In the chair when they had to ask all the dumb entry questions 
my blood pressure was extremely low and they worked fast
to get me back into a room. 
I made it to a bed just in time for shift 
Change so the nurse was far from nice 
At this point my body was contracting ever 30 seconds for 2 minutes at a time! 
I felt like I was dying. I was screaming for help 
I just wanted it to stop I remember yelling out that something was wrong 
Something was stuck and I needed help
20 minutes later she finally came in 
With pain meds although sadly they did nothing for me.
 She left and my new 
Nurse arrived his name was Kevin and he was wonderful.
 He rushed to find the dr so he could give me another dose.
 I was now stuck in a constant contraction. 
The tightness felt as it it would rip my 
Insides apart. The second dose was much larger and I felt it right away. 
It dulled the pain but never took it
Completely away. Since I had calmed
Down enough to lay still they decided to do the ultrasound while they could.

The tech was much nicer than the one 
Earlier in the day! The dr feared 
That maybe I had a second embryo in one of my tubes 
so the ultrasound lasted about 30 minutes. 

It was awful, I was drugged and loopy and gushing blood. 
Soon after she was finished the dr came in and said he wanted to do a pelvic 
because he just didn't see anything on the ultrasound 
that was causing me so much pain. 
Two seconds into the exam he asks the nurse for all kinds of tools
I hear him say something's stuck
But I'm drugged and exhausted.
A few minutes later it was over. 

He had removed the embryo and it's surroundings from my cervix. 
It was about the size of a deflated golf ball. 
He later explained that the embryo being stuck in my cervix
 had caused my uterus to Constantly contract 
which explained the crazy amount of pain I was in! 
They gave me one more dose of pain meds and started me on antibiotics.
5 hours later I was back at the hotel
In bed. I was numb. I had no feelings but exhaustion. 
We delayed our leave time 
The next day and decided to make the trip in two days instead of one. 
We arrived home Monday evening. 
Tuesday morning I was scheduled to have an ultrasound at my REs office
But when I woke up I felt very weird and I couldn't breath, 
I couldn't take a deep breath I couldn't catch my breath and I started to panic.
All I could think was that I had a blood clot in my lung. 
My dad rushed over to my house and waited for my mom who then rushed me to the ER. 
I was able to breath better when I got to the ER 
but still wanted to be checked out just in case.
I had an EKG a catscan an xray a pelvic exam 
and a whole panel of bloodwork done.
Everything came back clear. The doctor seemed to think it may have been
a reaction to the pain medication and suggested I switch to motrion. 
Best advice ever. I hated the 
Way the pain meds made me feel. I just wanted to be me again without the pain. 
It's now Sunday night 8 whole days
Later and the bleeding has finally stopped. 
I have a follow up ultrasound tomorrow and hopefully will get some answers 
as to what went wrong. 
Thank you again go everyone that commented and text me after my
Instagram & Facebook post.
Once again I'm not sure 
Where we will go from here. 
But I do know we are fighters & this battle is far from over.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I know there just aren't any words here but know you are in my thoughts. hugs

  2. What an ordeal! I am so sorry you are going through this. I do know that you are a fighter though and have an amazing will to keep moving forward.

    I had commented on your IG about Dr. Kim. I don't want to be pushy, but please know I would love to give you some information if you want.

    Hang in there and keep your chin up.

    1. That would be so awesome! my email is I am about 5 hours from Chicago but am wiling to travel! Thanks for your kind words :)

  3. I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. You have been through so much. I'm praying for you.

  4. Oh I am so so sorry. Not only did you have to deal with another miscarriage, but the fucking trips to the ER...I'm so so sorry.

  5. This breaks my heart. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you get some answers. Love and prayers.

  6. Oh my goodness this sounds awful! I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through that. Hang in there!

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. As if the miscarriage wasn't bad enough, but to have that kind of pain and complications is heartbreaking. Best of luck to you in the future!!

  8. I'm sorry for your loss. You are such a strong person that will continue to fight until you succeed. Hope you find peace and comfort.

  9. I'm so sorry! I wish I had words to make it better, but I don't. Other than "This sucks"!

  10. Oh I'm so terribly sorry! You always manage to pull yourself back up and try to be positive and I really admire that. *hugs* and prayers to you!

  11. I am so very sorry. It sucks worse than anything in this world to have this happen, much less when you are on vacation. I had one on my birthday one year. Oh yeah, it was also 9/11/01. I wish I could take your pain again. Hugs!!!

  12. Wow. I am so sorry this happened. It sounds very traumatic. I am so glad you had your husband and family there to support you through it. I hope you get some answers and that they help calm your heart. Thinking of you.

  13. I am so so sorry about ALL of this...HUGE hugs and prayers!

  14. I hate that I'm just seeing this now. I'm so sorry. Praying for you.