Wednesday, September 21, 2016

*OLD DRAFT* No One Said....IVF Egg Retrieval

But I find myself hilarious so I'm sharing it.
I'm glad I still found humor through the god awful pain!

• If your a side or stomach sleeper forget it, 
Propped up at a 45 degree angle is as
Good as it's going to get! 
I recommend melatonin 
But I'm not your doctor so 
You should ask him! 
And if he says no then
I recommend a glass or two 
Of aged burbon. 
He might also frown upon That 
But the way I look at it is 
In 1913 whiskey was your 
Best friend when you were in pain
And desperately needed sleep. 
Again consult your physion. 

• shooting pains 
Straight up your vagina to your ears 
Seriously it will stop you in your tracks
Just remember to breath. 

• borrow your cousins friends
Sisters c section wrap
For real find someone that has one
And get your hands on that piece of gold. 
Game changer when it comes to sleeping. 

• "pain meds" 
Most likely your RE 
Will not prescribe narcotics 
They recommend childish drugs
Like Tylenol 3 
Seriously though is Tylenol 3 
Really still a thing?! 
It's 2015 people we need REAL drugs
Or burbon...burbon always works. 
Anyways I would recommend 
Calling a family meeting before 
Your retrieval and have everyone 
Bring their left over Vicodin. 
You know you have that one aunt... 
Ya her, you know she's saving that shit
For the apocalypse or a rainy Sunday
Whichever it doesn't matter
Just get the drugs. 
You'll thank me later. 

With that being said.

We will move on to bathroom breaks
Using the bathroom will
Quickly become your worst nightmare.
Ok listen close. 
That Vicodin that you scored
From aunt Glenna 
It's going to back you up
On top of being backed up. 
But pick your poison no pain or no poop? 
In the event of a clogged pipe 
Don't be afraid to ask
Your husband to stop at the drug
Store for an enema.
Really it's the least he can do 
You've just been stabbed in the
Ovaries 183820 times 
While he enjoyed himself a nice 
Porn and a little hand hug.
Make him get the enema. 

Day 5 
Your nerves are shot. 
Your absolutely stir crazy. 
You walk like an old lady
You can't poop 
Everything you eat will 
Inflat you like a ballon
Everyone's voice will annoy you 
Everyone's questions will irritate you 
I'm pretty sure I've never wished so
Hard to feel well enough to go to work. 
Or Vicodin whatever works. 
If you know what's best for you 
Sleep through day 5! 

Day 6...
wait did day 6 happen?
must have been the bourbon..
I'm pretty sure day 6 was spent in a drunken haze

Day 7 
The pipes unclogged 
The pain has faded 
Your head might be a little blurry 
From all of the burbon but you'll be okay! 
You're a brand new woman
Or at least you'll think you are
Until about 8pm 
When you realize 
Moving around furniture 
And cleaning carpets
Might not have been the best idea 
After a full day at work. 
Take it easy even if you feel like 
Superwoman! Strap on that c section wrap 
And sit your ass on the couch!

Day 8
Just when you think your back to normal
AF cramps kick in!
Yep.. that's right you get to have
another period before your FET
fabulous!! That's just what I wanted!!
Thank you aunt flow!

hahah!! I just found this draft in my list of posts! It was too good not to share!
this is from the egg retrieval last September!

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