Wednesday, September 21, 2016

It's been a year?

Has it really been a year since I've taken a moment to sit 
down and write out my feelings? 
Crazy how fast time moves when you're an adult. 
I remember being a kid and counting down the 
days until the weekend. Now it seems like the weekend is always 
here and there are always a million and one things to be done. 
People to see, places to go, house work to be done. 
It's never ending. 
I left this space on a prayer that my gut feeling was wrong. 
but it wasn't wrong at all. 
It was right, my IVF cycle had failed and we
were left with nothing. Nothing to show except 
bruises and bills. 
I often wonder what would have been. 
What could have been.
I often think of our embryos that never made it to freeze. 
How different life would have been if we had just one 
more chance.
I'm pretty sure I went through every emotion after that.
But I was mostly angry. 
why us? why not us? what are we doing wrong?
Shortly after we had some friends from out of town 
move in with us for a short time while they looked 
for a house here in Ohio. 
There month stay turned into a 10 month stay. 
It kept us busy. It kept our minds busy and it kept 
the spare room full. 
But once again it's empty. 
Our hearts still ache for that missing puzzle piece. 
I think not knowing where to go next is the scariest part. 
We've talked about adoption. 
We've talked about fostering. 
We've talked about embryo donation 
you name it we've discussed it. 
but at the end of every conversation it always 
goes back to "our baby" we want our baby 
made by us and carried by me. 
If that's not in the cards for us
then maybe none of this is. 
maybe were not meant to be parents. 
When I envision our lives in the future
I have two visions. 
I see us with "our baby" I see myself pregnant. 
I see us in the hospital I see family all around us 
I see the first few nights of no sleep and making bottles in the dark. 
But I also have another vision. I also see a baby that just comes to us. 
I'm not sure how or from who but we get the call and go pick that baby up. 
and from then on our lives are devoted to being the best parents that baby can have. 
So maybe I am considering fostering. or adoption. 
maybe both of those things are in our cards. 
This whole journey is one fucked up mess. 
and sometimes it's easier to just block it out of my mind. 
If I don't think about it I don't have to deal with it. 
maybe thats where I get the visions of a baby just appearing. 
whatever our path is, whatever is in our cards, 
whatever it is that we are waiting to be dealt 
is taking a really long time and I'm close to being over it. 
I'm almost 31. Scott just turned 33. 
I don't want to be a 60 year old with a teenager. 
Where is the answer and why after 7 long years is it not clear to me?


  1. I'm so sorry that your IVF cycle failed. I'm not sure if you guys have the money for another cycle but I tried to think of my first IVF cycle as a test run (easier for me to do because insurance covered most of it). Your dr thinks that s/he knows how your body will respond to the drugs based on what they have seen other patients do, but ultimately who knows? Now that you have one cycle that failed, maybe your dr can tweak or totally change your protocol for a better outcome?

    1. We've considered it, but Ohio is not a mandated state for insurance to cover infertility treatments, our last round was over 22k which just added to our IUI expenses of 10k so we have a little while before we pay it off. It's a lot of money to spend on a what if. :( I'm not sure what we will do. I pray the insurance laws in Ohio change soon!

  2. I was seriously just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing. So glad to see you back in this space. I'm sorry to hear you struggling right now with next steps and that your dreams and hopes haven't been fulfilled. I wish I had magic words to make it all better...but at least know you are in my thoughts.

  3. so sorry to hear the IVF cycle failed... and especially bummed that Ohio is a state that does not mandate insurance coverage. grrr.. saying a prayer for you, scott and your family...

  4. Oh, my heart hurts for you. It's hard to be in a waiting period, not knowing what the future holds, or what decisions to make. I just pray you find clarity and peace. You're always in my thoughts and prayers.