It's been a year?

Has it really been a year since I've taken a moment to sit 

down and write out my feelings? 

Crazy how fast time moves when you're an adult. 

I remember being a kid and counting down the 

days until the weekend. Now it seems like the weekend is always 

here and there are always a million and one things to be done. 

People to see, places to go, house work to be done. 

It's never ending. 

I left this space on a prayer that my gut feeling was wrong. 

but it wasn't wrong at all. 

It was right, my IVF cycle had failed and we

were left with nothing. Nothing to show except 

bruises and bills. 

I often wonder what would have been. 

What could have been.

I often think of our embryos that never made it to freeze. 

How different life would have been if we had just one 

more chance.

I'm pretty sure I went through every emotion after that.

But I was mostly angry. 

why us? why not us? what are we doing wrong?

Shortly after we had some friends from out of town 

move in with us for a short time while they looked 

for a house here in Ohio. 

There month stay turned into a 10 month stay. 

It kept us busy. It kept our minds busy and it kept 

the spare room full. 

But once again it's empty. 

Our hearts still ache for that missing puzzle piece. 

I think not knowing where to go next is the scariest part. 

We've talked about adoption. 

We've talked about fostering. 

We've talked about embryo donation 

you name it we've discussed it. 

but at the end of every conversation it always 

goes back to "our baby" we want our baby 

made by us and carried by me. 

If that's not in the cards for us

then maybe none of this is. 

maybe were not meant to be parents. 

When I envision our lives in the future

I have two visions. 

I see us with "our baby" I see myself pregnant. 

I see us in the hospital I see family all around us 

I see the first few nights of no sleep and making bottles in the dark. 

But I also have another vision. I also see a baby that just comes to us. 

I'm not sure how or from who but we get the call and go pick that baby up. 

and from then on our lives are devoted to being the best parents that baby can have. 

So maybe I am considering fostering. or adoption. 

maybe both of those things are in our cards. 

This whole journey is one fucked up mess. 

and sometimes it's easier to just block it out of my mind. 

If I don't think about it I don't have to deal with it. 

maybe thats where I get the visions of a baby just appearing. 

whatever our path is, whatever is in our cards, 

whatever it is that we are waiting to be dealt 

is taking a really long time and I'm close to being over it. 

I'm almost 31. Scott just turned 33. 

I don't want to be a 60 year old with a teenager. 

Where is the answer and why after 7 long years is it not clear to me?