Wednesday, April 29, 2015

WTF Was That?!

IUI #5 was a bust. 
But it definitely wasn't a simple BFN...
About 9dpiui and 7dpt (booster shot) 
I began testing so that I could 
make sure the second booster was gone. 
for two days I watched it fade to nothing. 
On the third day I switched to FRER 
and got a faint line. 
I kept my cool knowing that I had switched 
brands and that it could still be the trigger.
The next day I took another one,
it was darker. So as any POAS addict would 
I held my pee and took a pm test. 
Darker again. 
Day 4 even darker... 
I kept testing and the tests kept slightly increasing..
By friday I knew there was no way 
I could make it through the weekend with out a BETA test. 
So off I went, 4 hours later one of my favorite nurses
called to say that while my HCG count was technically positive
at a 12
we should be cautiously optimistic because there 
was always a chance that it was still the booster shot. 
In my head I had convinced myself it couldn't be. 
I mean I tested out that shot. 
I saw it turn negative
So in we go to the weekend..
By Sunday I had driven myself so crazy 
that I went and bought a digital.. 
I mean if my numbers were rising it would surely 
show up on a digital right?! 
So I used second morning urin and took the digy
with in 3 minutes it popped up 
Woooowhoooo I thought!
my levels have to be over 25! 
So Monday rolls around 
and I go in for another BETA..
The longest 6 hours of my life go by 
and finally my phone rings. 
My stomach drops and my heart is in my throat
I contemplated letting it go to voice mail. 
But I answered. 
I knew as soon as she spoke. 
Her tone was soft and sad. 
I'm so sorry. were the first words out of her mouth. 
I kept it together for the first couple of minutes 
as she explained that my HCG had dropped to 6 
and that my period probably had not started
because I was supplementing with progesterone. 
She said I needed to go ahead and stop taking that. 
Then she went on to say that we were still 
set for IVF and that we had time to do one more IUI...
and that's when I lost it. 
All of the emotions hit me at once, 
The first one was Anger. 
Then sadness. 
Then fear. 
She began to cry with me.. 
just repeating over and over I'm so sorry. 
She talked to me a few more minutes before we 
finally said goodbye, I had caught my breath 
and was able to focus. 

I wasn't alone when the call came and I am so thankful for that
I had spent the day with my sister in law and my twin nieces 
we were on our way to get some ice cream, help take my mind off 
the impending phone call. 

The rest of the day I just felt sad. 
I had prayed more than I ever have in my life. 
I for once felt so close to god. 
I felt like he had seen our struggles and was 
ready to bless us. 
My sadness turned to anger. 
Anger at Him anger at my body.
Anger at the whole fucked up situation. 
I moved passed the anger pretty quickly 
and my mind jumped straight to fear. 
This was our last attempt before IVF. 
IVF scares the shit out of me. 
It's not the meds or the shots or the price that scare me. 
Its the failure. 
It's the off chance you end up with low to no eggs 
at retrieval. 
It's that wait for the phone call that lets you know
How many  if any of
your embryos survived.
It's the PGD testing that takes additional weeks.
It's that phone call to say if you have normal 
healthy embryos. 
It's the "What IF" It doesn't work. 
what if none of it works. 
Then what?
That question brings tears to my eyes 
and turns my stomach. 

Today I am in a better place.
I have found my strength and started to look 
at the positives in everything. 
We are taking a trip to Florida in June before 
IVF in july. I am hoping this vacation 
will help us relax and get our minds in a really good spot. 
 I meet with the anesthesiologist on May 13th. 
I assume he will be the one to deem me "fit" for the procedure. 
and from there we get our schedule and order our meds. 
I know we can do this. I know I can do this. 
It's going to take more inner strength than ever before 
but it can and will be done. 
I will update after our meeting and leave you with some pictures
of my HPTS from this last cycle...
 I want you to see how crazy dark a line can be 
for an HCG of 12 and 6!!! 

All above tests had an HCG of somewhere between 6 and 12!!! 
the CB Digital was taken 6 hours before my hcg count of a 6!
Those tests are supposed to pick up 25 to 200! not 6!


  1. :( :( :( I'm so sorry! Could it be that your HCG went up after your Beta of 12 and then back down to 6? I've heard they can drop pretty fast early on. With my miscarriage I had a positive FRER the day I had a blood test (very faint, but positive) and my beta was only 2! Those buggers can pick up the HCG sometimes even when it's really low!

  2. I'm sorry sweetie. I can only imagine how u felt during this time. I hope this up and coming cycle brings u a better outcome.

  3. I'm glad you weren't alone when you got the news... what a crappy phone call after what appeared to be a positive HPT. That simply sucks...

  4. I have been a long time follower of your blog, but have not commented in a long time. I read this today and my heart broke for you. I am so so sorry :( I know you are scared of IVF, but after everything you have been through, I know you will be strong enough to make it through. Maybe IVF is the bump that your body needs to make it stick. So sorry again. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hug!

  5. I check your blog for an update all the time and I want you to know I am still praying and sending good thoughts that you have your baby soon. Don't be afraid of IVF, it's a new journey filled with hope. Thinking of you...