WTF Was That?!

IUI #5 was a bust. 

But it definitely wasn't a simple BFN...

About 9dpiui and 7dpt (booster shot) 

I began testing so that I could 

make sure the second booster was gone. 

for two days I watched it fade to nothing. 

On the third day I switched to FRER 

and got a faint line. 

I kept my cool knowing that I had switched 

brands and that it could still be the trigger.

The next day I took another one,

it was darker. So as any POAS addict would 

I held my pee and took a pm test. 

Darker again. 

Day 4 even darker... 

I kept testing and the tests kept slightly increasing..

By friday I knew there was no way 

I could make it through the weekend with out a BETA test. 

So off I went, 4 hours later one of my favorite nurses

called to say that while my HCG count was technically positive

at a 12

we should be cautiously optimistic because there 

was always a chance that it was still the booster shot. 

In my head I had convinced myself it couldn't be. 

I mean I tested out that shot. 

I saw it turn negative

So in we go to the weekend..

By Sunday I had driven myself so crazy 

that I went and bought a digital.. 

I mean if my numbers were rising it would surely 

show up on a digital right?! 

So I used second morning urin and took the digy

with in 3 minutes it popped up 

PREGNANT 1-2 

Woooowhoooo I thought!

my levels have to be over 25! 

So Monday rolls around 

and I go in for another BETA..

The longest 6 hours of my life go by 

and finally my phone rings. 

My stomach drops and my heart is in my throat

I contemplated letting it go to voice mail. 

But I answered. 

I knew as soon as she spoke. 

Her tone was soft and sad. 

I'm so sorry. were the first words out of her mouth. 

I kept it together for the first couple of minutes 

as she explained that my HCG had dropped to 6 

and that my period probably had not started

because I was supplementing with progesterone. 

She said I needed to go ahead and stop taking that. 

Then she went on to say that we were still 

set for IVF and that we had time to do one more IUI...

and that's when I lost it. 

All of the emotions hit me at once, 

The first one was Anger. 

Then sadness. 

Then fear. 

She began to cry with me.. 

just repeating over and over I'm so sorry. 

She talked to me a few more minutes before we 

finally said goodbye, I had caught my breath 

and was able to focus. 

I wasn't alone when the call came and I am so thankful for that

I had spent the day with my sister in law and my twin nieces 

we were on our way to get some ice cream, help take my mind off 

the impending phone call. 

The rest of the day I just felt sad. 

I had prayed more than I ever have in my life. 

I for once felt so close to god. 

I felt like he had seen our struggles and was 

ready to bless us. 

My sadness turned to anger. 

Anger at Him anger at my body.

Anger at the whole fucked up situation. 

I moved passed the anger pretty quickly 

and my mind jumped straight to fear. 

This was our last attempt before IVF. 

IVF scares the shit out of me. 

It's not the meds or the shots or the price that scare me. 

Its the failure. 

It's the off chance you end up with low to no eggs 

at retrieval. 

It's that wait for the phone call that lets you know

How many  if any of

your embryos survived.

It's the PGD testing that takes additional weeks.

It's that phone call to say if you have normal 

healthy embryos. 

It's the "What IF" It doesn't work. 

what if none of it works. 

Then what?

That question brings tears to my eyes 

and turns my stomach. 

Today I am in a better place.

I have found my strength and started to look 

at the positives in everything. 

We are taking a trip to Florida in June before 

IVF in july. I am hoping this vacation 

will help us relax and get our minds in a really good spot. 

 I meet with the anesthesiologist on May 13th. 

I assume he will be the one to deem me "fit" for the procedure. 

and from there we get our schedule and order our meds. 

I know we can do this. I know I can do this. 

It's going to take more inner strength than ever before 

but it can and will be done. 

I will update after our meeting and leave you with some pictures

of my HPTS from this last cycle...

 I want you to see how crazy dark a line can be 

for an HCG of 12 and 6!!! 

All above tests had an HCG of somewhere between 6 and 12!!! 

the CB Digital was taken 6 hours before my hcg count of a 6!

Those tests are supposed to pick up 25 to 200! not 6!